Fast Forward – 2.5 Years – Be The Buffalo

It’s been a long time since my last post – almost 2.5 years to be exact!  And, I can truthfully say the deconstruction continued…I’ve been sleeping….a  long, numbing hibernation.

My advice:  Be the buffalo and face the storm.

Most creatures are programmed to avoid pain and discomfort.  When a storm is coming, for example, cows run away from it.  The problem with that is – cows aren’t very fast runners.  Therefore the choice to run makes the storm (or the healing) last longer (and harder).

What buffalo do on the other hand is very unique for the animal kingdom. Buffalo wait for the clouds and chaos to reveal and turn and charge directly into it (the storm).  By running directly into the storm they run straight through it.  They feel it, perhaps with  more intensity, but in the end, they minimize the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience from that storm.

Divorce is one of the biggest storms you’ll face.

I Am Broken…Deconstructed.

I named this blog ‘divorce didn’t crush me’ as an optimistic gesture – an attempt to manifest a positive destiny from the ruins of heartbreak.  I named it HOPING divorce wouldn’t crush me.  I was wrong.

Turns out….divorce DOES crush you.  Badly. 

IT DECONSTRUCTS YOU…

In Divorce – there are no winners. Only LOSERS.

Ten months of lawyers, letters, texts and threats.

Ten months of dreams, nightmares, grief and reckoning…trying to find a solution to an unsolvable problem….how to divide our estate – what is EQUITABLE? Mediation, cooperation, negotiation, calculation, contemplation, anticipation – culminating in 6 hours of divorce court/trial and tens of thousands in legal fees – AND BOTH OF US LEFT LOSERS.  Except the lawyers.

I promised myself I’d keep it all business, not extraneous or chatty.  My lawyer conversations would be on point, mission driven, efficient – I’d always be prepared and strategic. What a joke.

When Jessica, my lawyer, walked into the courtroom with her legal eagle and intern in tow, wheeling a dolly of boxes labeled ‘discovery’ from the last year of my case – I knew I failed miserably.  I knew those boxes were filled with thousand of pages equaling thousands of dollars – that would never be in my pocket.

When it was over, I thought I’d feel relief – that’s what everyone promised me!  But I didn’t.  I just felt despair, deep loss and more grief.  Divorce is a long marathon, a roller coaster ride – filled with injuries and unexpected turns.  Just when you thought you reached the apex, screamed your lungs out – went to the depth of the coaster at warp speed and lost your breath and perhaps consciousness as a result – you realize the ride is just beginning. There are no 12 steps to this process – or five stages of grief.  There are thousands of steps, turns, dips and leaps – all coming at you without notice.  The journey is unyielding and unmerciful.

All you can do is hold on….and breathe or gasp for air.

An open letter to the woman who slept with my husband-

You have blood on your hands.  You’re as guilty as he is.  You believed his lies; so you’re a home wrecker and you’re ignorant.

I despise you.  I wish the worse for you.  I hope he shows you the same disrespect and infidelity he showed me – people don’t change. He’ll show you his true colors, like he did me. You’ll get yours. He’s a monster deep down – you’ll see it soon enough.  Just wait.

You don’t know sisterhood.  You don’t honor sisterhood. You don’t belong in any sisterhood.  You should be voted off the island. Any woman who sleeps with another woman’s husband is worse than scum of the earth.  You are like dried dog shit on my shoe – smelly, messy, regretful and need to be flicked off – washed off and flushed down into the eternal sewers of life.  You’re shameless.

Life Isn’t Fair – Get The Fuck Over It!

What is FAIR anyway?  Every person views FAIR through their own life experience – their subjective view of reality; therefore FAIR is SUBJECTIVE. Some people believe Fox News reports Fairly and Accurately – other’s believe Fox is a Right Winged Political Instrument – a puppet and Rupert Murdock is the Puppet Master.

Who knows what’s really FAIR?  NO ONE!

It’s not FAIR he left me and the kids, abandoned us, after 20 years of marriage. It’s not FAIR he hasn’t spent more than 100 minutes with his kids since his exodus. It’s not FAIR that he cheated so many times and I’ve been FAITHFUL for 20 years.  It’s not FAIR that he promised me we’d grow old together – and actually SEE the light at the end of the parenting tunnel.  It’s not FAIR that I am pressured to completely change our lifestyle and priorities at this stage in the life journey.  It’s not FAIR that he has NO accountability as a parent, no schedule, no obligations and NO PRESSURE to manage/nurture the day to day scholastic, emotional, physical, spiritual, nutritional, social and monetary needs of our teenagers. It’s not FAIR that he can run his life and his business without childcare considerations – who’s going to watch our kids?!

What the FUCK!?!?!

Our house is breaking down; the lawn is dying, the irrigation system is leaking, the AC unit needs to be replaced, the front door lock is broken and falling off, the sink is clogged, the toilet is running and our Magnolia Tree is dying….IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!

Ironically, he thinks having to pay our mortgage (four months after his clunky departure) and utilities, isn’t fair.

His lawyer sent a draft dissolution agreement in July that simply WASN’T FAIR.  It excluded any mention of college and our children’s extracurricular activities.  The child support allowance was, below-the-poverty-line and laughable.  The proposal was reckless.  My attorney categorized it like this:

“If this is the divorce agreement – it’s your worst day in court.”

I randomly googled – What is FAIR?

As in previous posts, I was struck between the eyes – THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES – This article from Psychology Today popped up FIRST.

Living The Lie – The Bill Is Due

How do I survive this financial devastation and overwhelming stress?

Family law is inadequate; if he gets what the law indicates, it will not be enough.  PERIOD. I’m not buried in debt, thank GOD, but do not earn enough to support my children, this house – OUR LIVES. He will live a great life – with little financial insecurity and responsiblity.  I will not and I am not.  I feel scared – actually terrified.  And, I feel like I have no right to complain. This is my fault.

I am not a fearful person – until now.

I made big money last year – and spent all of it; home remodeling, clothing, big vacations – STUPID STUFF. I never saved a dime.  I didn’t plan for this – I didn’t know I’d need the money.  I kept kicking the can down the road, denying the need to be financially fiscally responsible.

NOW I’M PAYING THE PRICE – literally.

He texted me, ‘I hope you find a rich man’.

How do I respond to that?

Spending made me feel better….it filled a hole.

I work for myself – so, no work, no pay.  Twice in the last four months, I DID NOT pay myself….the money wasn’t there. I’m surviving by a financial thread. My health insurance is through my (soon to be) ex-husband’s work and he’s about to cut me off.  My kids are teenagers are have basic needs and grew up in abundance. How do I draw the line?  Raising them is more than I can bear financially….I’m too proud to admit it.  I’ve never taught them how to really save, how to be thrifty – how to be financially responsible. I feel like I failed them….I did.

I’ve talked about it – but never demonstrated it. Now, I AM IN THE HOLE.

I was in the 1% of wage earners in this country – living the dream and LIVING THE LIE.

I’m on the brink of financial ruin. No one knows. It’s a charade. My net worth is laughable and not liquid. In the next year, I will I will need joint surgery and time to recover – but I can’t. I have no one to support me and cannot take the time off work and I cannot afford it. I am in a horrible position and I have one to blame but myself.

• How do I afford health insurance?
• How do I stay in my home, in my neighborhood – keep my kids lives stable?
• How do I pay my bills?
• How do I keep my head above water?
• How do I stay in the game and not run and hide?

I’M A FRAUD….and the tab is due.

How do I fully address this lie – this charade – hold my head high and survive?

I want to run and hide….but I can’t. That’s not me.

Kirby

I woke up in tears…

I woke up in tears.  It was a morning dream….really vivid.

I was trying to move in to a new home or apartment? Boxes filled a narrow hallway; the hallway itself was the dimension of the box so moving the boxes in and out was a narrow fit – snug. I could only push through one is at a time…it was very tedious work.

Someone was helping me in the other end of the hallway, but I couldn’t see who…the boxes blocked my view but I knew someone there. I was both frustrated and relieved with the amount of help.

But even with the help, I felt like it was all on me.

PRESSURE.

My Universe Showed Up and Protected Me – Divine Intervention Strikes Again –

I sat across from him two hours ago, resolute – I will not go back. I’ve come too far.  Too much has happened. I’ve moved beyond our relationship. I need and deserve more.

Now, I was questioning myself. My resolve was crumbling.

Dear God, is this a test?

It’s so much different being the abandoner versus the abandoned.  I’m no longer a victim. But am I in control?

Can he change?

Can I change?

Can we start over as strangers and create a different, new future? Can we dismiss the past and write a new story?…. A new love story…. Can I really turn away from this man with whom I’ve spent half my life???

The door was clearly cracked open. My heart was open.  I wasn’t ready to turn away.

I had an hour to kill.  I sat in a parking lot, waiting to pick up my daughter from dance, and I texted him twice, ‘good to see you tonight, just checking in…’ And ‘did you make it back to your apartment okay?’

SILENCE

My mind and heart were sparring….do or don’t?  Run and hide or embrace.

I had to talk to him.

I called his cell and it answered, but he didn’t know it. This was the reverse butt dial….the unknowing answer.  Our call was live and I was tuned into 15 minutes of his life without him knowing.  He just arrived to his apartment, and he was with HER, Michelle. My heart sank when I heard her voice.

I Can Forgive – But Cannot Go Back

Seeing him threw me into a whirlpool of confusion. He wanted to reconcile.

As I approached the table I was struck by the look on his face; he looked like the young man I met on a blind date – 20 years earlier.  It was startling and I had to look away; his eyes were trying to draw me in- I know those eyes and what they say better than anyone. He looked eager, relieved, delighted.

His eyes absorbed me, swept over me in approval; he wanted me.  He missed me. I knew his heart was racing. He tried to look calm…but in his heart, it was Christmas morning…and the prized package sat right across from him.

He watched my every move, reminders of what he left behind and evidence of what he wanted. I felt like he was taking mental inventory; oh, I like the way she orders food, drinks her water, relates to the wait staff. I tried to look calm, even aloof, put together. But I struggled.

I was in an emotional laboratory and every breath I took was under evaluation.

Some part of me relished these moments; months of rejection and neglect turned into heightened connection and attention.  My heart contracted with conflict. Other parts of me recoiled at his confidence – how dare he own me with his eyes and activate his charms to reclaim me.  My soul screamed… I’m not yours anymore!

After a few awkward moments and small talk, he bluntly admitted his flaws (selfish, immature, narcissistic, thoughtless). He told me he couldn’t stop thinking and dreaming about me.  I was the answer to his prayers. He apologized for his reckless behavior. He went to church, prayed, said he needed counseling. He professed his love and admitted his loneliness ‘out there’.  Life on the other side is hollow. The grass is not greener.

He said he broke ties with “Michelle” and he’s known her for years. I hid my shock at that confession but inside it took my breath away. He admitted their physical relationship started when I was abroad on a business trip, a year prior. I knew he was telling the truth- the corner of his mouth was crooked and eyes ashamed… I’ve seen that face before. He looked like a child, caught in a lie. He said it was over with her; he wanted to come home…to his family.

He said being with her was a big mistake. He had deep regrets.

I cautiously listened and struggled to believe. He admitted his “girlfriend” persuaded him to tell me he’d been with many women over the past year.  She wanted cover and not to be seen as a home wrecker or suffer a potential deposition in our divorce proceedings; she’d been through that before. She didn’t know want to be cast as the other woman.  She asked him to lie to me.

He obliged her…and devastated me.

It’s a Different World – Three Months Later

Three months ago today – he left me. Almost three weeks from now, we would celebrate our 20th Wedding Anniversary.

Last night he texted me…he wants me back. Tonight, we’re meeting at 7pm.

My life in a timeline…swinging on my emotional pendulum.  My uncertain, unpredictable life. This is where I live, and this is all I know:

On Day 10 of Oprah & Deepaks ‘Miraculous Relationship’ 21-day Mediation Challenge, I was stunned .  Oprah’s words practically called me out by name.

“What you asked for from the world is exactly what you’re getting back.”

The law of attraction is an amazing thing.  If you’re not a believer, watch The Secret. For me….I believe in it! It’s no coincidence this is happening NOW. I attracted this. I’m strong, steady and feeling more ALIVE – he comes knocking, heart in hand. The universe is amazing…

“If you want fulfilling relationships, first you must be full yourself”.

He may think I’m the same woman he left behind – in the rubble and slush of our broken relationship.  I was crushed and agonizingly broken beyond belief.  Reparation was a pipe dream, but a dream, nonetheless.  Breathing was my first, daily goal. Survival was my mission.

And now, three months later – I’m so much MORE than what he left behind.  I’m steady, strong and worthy of so much more.  He can’t rock me. I am love.  I deserve love. I am more than enough.

My SOURCE provides me strength, comfort and resolve.

Taking steps backward would be a SIN of monumental proportion. Backward is not an option.

What an amazing turn of events….

Stay tuned.

Namaste.

Kirby

PS- as soon as I finished editing and posting this blog – my phone rang.  It was him, the EXACT SECOND I pressed ‘post’.  He hasn’t called me in two months. THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES…..