Fast Forward – 2.5 Years – Be The Buffalo

It’s been a long time since my last post – almost 2.5 years to be exact!  And, I can truthfully say the deconstruction continued…I’ve been sleeping….a  long, numbing hibernation.

My advice:  Be the buffalo and face the storm.

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Most creatures are programmed to avoid pain and discomfort.  When a storm is coming, for example, cows run away from it.  The problem with that is – cows aren’t very fast runners.  Therefore the choice to run makes the storm (or the healing) last longer (and harder).

What buffalo do on the other hand is very unique for the animal kingdom. Buffalo wait for the clouds and chaos to reveal and turn and charge directly into it (the storm).  By running directly into the storm they run straight through it.  They feel it, perhaps with  more intensity, but in the end, they minimize the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience from that storm.

Divorce is one of the biggest storms you’ll face.

Continue reading “Fast Forward – 2.5 Years – Be The Buffalo”

Libido, Love and Living – “Scratching That Itch”

I got exactly what I asked for – but not more than I needed.

I just wanted to be held, feel desirable – cherished. My insides were raging, I had an emotional rash that needed attention – every part of me was hyper-ichy – I needed to be scratched…like that spot on you back you can’t reach – times a thousand.  I needed a long, intentional, intense scratching. Every cell craved it.

I was reading the new 50-Shades version of GREY…and it was torturous. My mind was running wild – my body was close behind!

For weeks I walked around in a perpetual state of arousal – stunned my libido was so PRESENT – SO ON-EDGE.  I was wearing it all over me….my NEED. What was happening!? It as almost sickening and saddening. Why was I so hypersensitive to every thought and stimulation?  WHY WAS I AROUSED? Why NOW? What switch, FLIPPED? My mind and my body were in a ruthless conspiracy – my desire raged and there was no outlet, no remedy, no ONE in sight. Alone again – with this unreachable, raging itch, pulsing all over and inside of me.

It’s ironic; I existed in most of my marriage cold, dry and uninterested. Sex and intimacy were incredible (or so I thought), once I ‘got started’.  Mostly, for me, sleeping was a better option.  I didn’t NEED or CRAVE sex with my husband. I felt more obligated than inspired or desired.  It was always intense and satisfying but I didn’t crave it or him….I was ambivalent.

And then I met Ken…

As soon as I saw him I felt a connection – even though he wasn’t ‘my type’.  All my ex-lovers were the GQ-cover, star athlete and frat-boy types.  Tall, dark, uber-fit, shiny white smiles, and smooth talking, silver tongues. Ken didn’t match this description.

In high school, he was likely more nerdy than athletic. Smart, attentive, curious, kind and working to find his social (dating) comfort zone.  He wasn’t a smooth talker…even maybe a little awkward and quirky. Sweet talking wasn’t his forte…he wasn’t a ‘player’. Why did I always seek ‘players’? He was different. He had kind, vulnerable, piercing blue eyes that spoke to me…reached me.

I was intrigued to learn what was behind those curious, pleading, hurt but hopeful blue eyes…

but busy with life – I let him pursue me.  And if he didn’t, no harm no foul.  Yet, I knew he would.  I knew I was on his mind…I knew I, unwittingly, reached into some untapped part of him. I just didn’t know how deeply I reached…or vice versa.

After a few weeks of text exchanges things grew more intense – more comfortable. My heart was softening and opening…I let him in. I wanted more.  Awkward or not…

I was HOT for him.

Continue reading “Libido, Love and Living – “Scratching That Itch””