I sat across from him two hours ago, resolute – I will not go back. I’ve come too far. Too much has happened. I’ve moved beyond our relationship. I need and deserve more.
Now, I was questioning myself. My resolve was crumbling.
Dear God, is this a test?
It’s so much different being the abandoner versus the abandoned. I’m no longer a victim. But am I in control?
Can he change?
Can I change?
Can we start over as strangers and create a different, new future? Can we dismiss the past and write a new story?…. A new love story…. Can I really turn away from this man with whom I’ve spent half my life???
The door was clearly cracked open. My heart was open. I wasn’t ready to turn away.
I had an hour to kill. I sat in a parking lot, waiting to pick up my daughter from dance, and I texted him twice, ‘good to see you tonight, just checking in…’ And ‘did you make it back to your apartment okay?’
My mind and heart were sparring….do or don’t? Run and hide or embrace.
I had to talk to him.
I called his cell and it answered, but he didn’t know it. This was the reverse butt dial….the unknowing answer. Our call was live and I was tuned into 15 minutes of his life without him knowing. He just arrived to his apartment, and he was with HER, Michelle. My heart sank when I heard her voice.
So much for their ‘break up’. They were very much a couple and apparently he didn’t skip a beat after seeing me two hours earlier.
The conversation was light and meaningless…like a couple just getting home from a night out. I could hear the echo of his steps on the hardwoods of his bare walled apartment. He put his keys on the counter and went through the mail I gave him at our dinner – the one he had before their dinner together. They bantered about the margaritas he just drank. Two hours earlier, he told me he needed to stop drinking.
They talked about Facebook and people I didn’t know. She was in a soapbox about posts and criticizing people for inappropriateness.
She was vulgar and sounded uneducated. He rolled over in agreement like a husband would, when his wife is on a verbal rampage.
My mouth hung open as I listened for 15 minutes; the ultimate eavesdropping experience. I was shocked and confused. WHO WAS THIS MAN??? I was in a trance.
Then the phone went dead.
My daughter got in the car and I used her phone to call him back. He answered and was surprised to hear my voice.
I told him what I heard – their voices, their interaction, their relationship, the comfort they shared, everything.
He just said, ‘Oh SHIT.”
I cursed and screamed – vowed to never speak to him again. I promised his children would know this truth about the man – the myth – the liar….their Dad. A phantom in our lives. He was the living example of what not to be and what to avoid. My children would learn from this shell of a man.
After a few minutes of calming down – and wishing I handled that call differently, I had a revelation….
GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYER!
Divine intervention strikes again!
I didn’t haven’t to waffle, unravel, contemplate or go back….God gave me the gift of knowledge – in one REVERSE BUTT DIAL moment.
My universe showed me – he is not worthy and I MUST LET GO.
My path was clear, once again. My resolve strengthened. My true self, relieved.
We may not all have this divine intervention but my key lessons were simple – this man cannot be alone, I will never be safe with him and he’s not capable of honoring me with the truth that I deserve.
Thank you UNIVERSE. I humbly accept your gift of wisdom.