I’m in limbo. No immediate drama, no rehearsing disaster, no catastrophic thinking…I just AM. I’m not overjoyed, I’m not curled up in a ball of agony. I am alone and I just AM. I’m quiet and I’m learning that my story isn’t so special. So many people experience this pain. So many survive. People either leave or are left behind. They reject or are rejected. Surviving is “a process” – the most common advice I hear.
So right now…I just AM in emotional limbo. THE WATER IS CALM AND I AM ALONE…NOT SURE WHERE THIS JOURNEY WILL TAKE ME.
BUT I ASK MYSELF – Am I making progress and healing if I’m not working and FEELING every day? Am I being honest in this journey? Does it need my daily attention?
Perhaps a look back will help me appreciate where I am today…time to take stock.
Here’s my journal entry and text to my best friends and sister five weeks after my husband walked out. Here’s what they had to say. I know, I’ve come a long way…
July 9, 2015
Just opened a random book in the guest room – that I’ve never opened… And tuned to this page.
Today was utter devastation.
Wailing, crumbling, aching, mourning, screaming.
Today I didn’t want to live any more…but for my kids.
My friends carried me. My children hugged me…. My heart slowed and settled.
I am in the darkest, harshest, coldest place I’ve ever known. My life with my husband was a series of lies and betrayals. Everything was a lie.
I feel a canon blow to my heart at point-blank range. The crippling pain brought me to my knees with guttural sobs from an intestinal abyss I didn’t know existed. It seemed bottomless….the abyss, the pain.
I’m telling you all how much I love each of you.
I feel your love every day.
Thank you for lifting me up. I can’t say with confidence I would have survived this last 5 weeks without you all.
Each of you play a unique part in caressing my spirit. Each of you matters to me so much!!!
I will get thru this…For my kids….For each of you….And for me.
All my love and light….
And of of course – words of wisdom and light from Louise Hay, brought the whole experience together…the right words at the right time. OF COURSE!
MORAL OF THE STORY – being quiet and still is still progress. In fact, that may be where the real magic happens. Love and be patient with yourself. You (and I) deserve it.