Fast Forward – 2.5 Years – Be The Buffalo

It’s been a long time since my last post – almost 2.5 years to be exact!  And, I can truthfully say the deconstruction continued…I’ve been sleeping….a  long, numbing hibernation.

My advice:  Be the buffalo and face the storm.

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Most creatures are programmed to avoid pain and discomfort.  When a storm is coming, for example, cows run away from it.  The problem with that is – cows aren’t very fast runners.  Therefore the choice to run makes the storm (or the healing) last longer (and harder).

What buffalo do on the other hand is very unique for the animal kingdom. Buffalo wait for the clouds and chaos to reveal and turn and charge directly into it (the storm).  By running directly into the storm they run straight through it.  They feel it, perhaps with  more intensity, but in the end, they minimize the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience from that storm.

Divorce is one of the biggest storms you’ll face.

Continue reading “Fast Forward – 2.5 Years – Be The Buffalo”

I Am Broken…Deconstructed.

I named this blog ‘divorce didn’t crush me’ as an optimistic gesture – an attempt to manifest a positive destiny from the ruins of heartbreak.  I named it HOPING divorce wouldn’t crush me.  I was wrong.

Turns out….divorce DOES crush you.  Badly. 

IT DECONSTRUCTS YOU…screen-shot-2016-11-19-at-11-13-48-am

Continue reading “I Am Broken…Deconstructed.”

In Divorce – there are no winners. Only LOSERS.

Screen Shot 2016-07-05 at 1.14.58 PMTen months of lawyers, letters, texts and threats.

Ten months of dreams, nightmares, grief and reckoning…trying to find a solution to an unsolvable problem….how to divide our estate – what is EQUITABLE? Mediation, cooperation, negotiation, calculation, contemplation, anticipation – culminating in 6 hours of divorce court/trial and tens of thousands in legal fees – AND BOTH OF US LEFT LOSERS.  Except the lawyers.

I promised myself I’d keep it all business, not extraneous or chatty.  My lawyer conversations would be on point, mission driven, efficient – I’d always be prepared and strategic. What a joke.

When Jessica, my lawyer, walked into the courtroom with her legal eagle and intern in tow, wheeling a dolly of boxes labeled ‘discovery’ from the last year of my case – I knew I failed miserably.  I knew those boxes were filled with thousand of pages equaling thousands of dollars – that would never be in my pocket.

When it was over, I thought I’d feel relief – that’s what everyone promised me!  But I didn’t.  I just felt despair, deep loss and more grief.  Divorce is a long marathon, a roller coaster ride – filled with injuries and unexpected turns.  Just when you thought you reached the apex, screamed your lungs out – went to the depth of the coaster at warp speed and lost your breath and perhaps consciousness as a result – you realize the ride is just beginning. There are no 12 steps to this process – or five stages of grief.  There are thousands of steps, turns, dips and leaps – all coming at you without notice.  The journey is unyielding and unmerciful.

All you can do is hold on….and breathe or gasp for air.

Continue reading “In Divorce – there are no winners. Only LOSERS.”

An open letter to the woman who slept with my husband-

You have blood on your hands.  You’re as guilty as he is.  You believed his lies; so you’re a home wrecker and you’re ignorant.

I despise you.  I wish the worse for you.  I hope he shows you the same disrespect and infidelity he showed me – people don’t change. He’ll show you his true colors, like he did me. You’ll get yours. He’s a monster deep down – you’ll see it soon enough.  Just wait.

You don’t know sisterhood.  You don’t honor sisterhood. You don’t belong in any sisterhood.  You should be voted off the island. Any woman who sleeps with another woman’s husband is worse than scum of the earth.  You are like dried dog shit on my shoe – smelly, messy, regretful and need to be flicked off – washed off and flushed down into the eternal sewers of life.  You’re shameless.

Continue reading “An open letter to the woman who slept with my husband-“

Life Isn’t Fair – Get The Fuck Over It!

What is FAIR anyway?  Every person views FAIR through their own life experience – their subjective view of reality; therefore FAIR is SUBJECTIVE. Some people believe Fox News reports Fairly and Accurately – other’s believe Fox is a Right Winged Political Instrument – a puppet and Rupert Murdock is the Puppet Master.

Who knows what’s really FAIR?  NO ONE!

It’s not FAIR he left me and the kids, abandoned us, after 20 years of marriage. It’s not FAIR he hasn’t spent more than 100 minutes with his kids since his exodus. It’s not FAIR that he cheated so many times and I’ve been FAITHFUL for 20 years.  It’s not FAIR that he promised me we’d grow old together – and actually SEE the light at the end of the parenting tunnel.  It’s not FAIR that I am pressured to completely change our lifestyle and priorities at this stage in the life journey.  It’s not FAIR that he has NO accountability as a parent, no schedule, no obligations and NO PRESSURE to manage/nurture the day to day scholastic, emotional, physical, spiritual, nutritional, social and monetary needs of our teenagers. It’s not FAIR that he can run his life and his business without childcare considerations – who’s going to watch our kids?!

What the FUCK!?!?!

Our house is breaking down; the lawn is dying, the irrigation system is leaking, the AC unit needs to be replaced, the front door lock is broken and falling off, the sink is clogged, the toilet is running and our Magnolia Tree is dying….IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!

Ironically, he thinks having to pay our mortgage (four months after his clunky departure) and utilities, isn’t fair.

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His lawyer sent a draft dissolution agreement in July that simply WASN’T FAIR.  It excluded any mention of college and our children’s extracurricular activities.  The child support allowance was, below-the-poverty-line and laughable.  The proposal was reckless.  My attorney categorized it like this:

“If this is the divorce agreement – it’s your worst day in court.”

I randomly googled – What is FAIR?

As in previous posts, I was struck between the eyes – THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES – This article from Psychology Today popped up FIRST.

Continue reading “Life Isn’t Fair – Get The Fuck Over It!”

Living The Lie – The Bill Is Due

How do I survive this financial devastation and overwhelming stress?

Family law is inadequate; if he gets what the law indicates, it will not be enough.  PERIOD. I’m not buried in debt, thank GOD, but do not earn enough to support my children, this house – OUR LIVES. He will live a great life – with little financial insecurity and responsiblity.  I will not and I am not.  I feel scared – actually terrified.  And, I feel like I have no right to complain. This is my fault.

I am not a fearful person – until now.

I made big money last year – and spent all of it; home remodeling, clothing, big vacations – STUPID STUFF. I never saved a dime.  I didn’t plan for this – I didn’t know I’d need the money.  I kept kicking the can down the road, denying the need to be financially fiscally responsible.

NOW I’M PAYING THE PRICE – literally.

He texted me, ‘I hope you find a rich man’.

How do I respond to that?

Spending made me feel better….it filled a hole.

I work for myself – so, no work, no pay.  Twice in the last four months, I DID NOT pay myself….the money wasn’t there. I’m surviving by a financial thread. My health insurance is through my (soon to be) ex-husband’s work and he’s about to cut me off.  My kids are teenagers are have basic needs and grew up in abundance. How do I draw the line?  Raising them is more than I can bear financially….I’m too proud to admit it.  I’ve never taught them how to really save, how to be thrifty – how to be financially responsible. I feel like I failed them….I did.

I’ve talked about it – but never demonstrated it. Now, I AM IN THE HOLE.

I was in the 1% of wage earners in this country – living the dream and LIVING THE LIE.

I’m on the brink of financial ruin. No one knows. It’s a charade. My net worth is laughable and not liquid. In the next year, I will I will need joint surgery and time to recover – but I can’t. I have no one to support me and cannot take the time off work and I cannot afford it. I am in a horrible position and I have one to blame but myself.

  • How do I afford health insurance?
  • How do I stay in my home, in my neighborhood – keep my kids lives stable?
  • How do I pay my bills?
  • How do I keep my head above water?
  • How do I stay in the game and not run and hide?

I’M A FRAUD….and the tab is due.

How do I fully address this lie – this charade – hold my head high and survive?

I want to run and hide….but I can’t. That’s not me.

Kirby

I woke up in tears…

I woke up in tears.  It was a morning dream….really vivid.

I was trying to move in to a new home or apartment? Boxes filled a narrow hallway; the hallway itself was the dimension of the box so moving the boxes in and out was a narrow fit – snug. I could only push through one is at a time…it was very tedious work.

Someone was helping me in the other end of the hallway, but I couldn’t see who…the boxes blocked my view but I knew someone there. I was both frustrated and relieved with the amount of help.

But even with the help, I felt like it was all on me.

PRESSURE.

Continue reading “I woke up in tears…”