My Universe Showed Up and Protected Me – Divine Intervention Strikes Again –

I sat across from him two hours ago, resolute – I will not go back. I’ve come too far.  Too much has happened. I’ve moved beyond our relationship. I need and deserve more.

Now, I was questioning myself. My resolve was crumbling.

Dear God, is this a test?

It’s so much different being the abandoner versus the abandoned.  I’m no longer a victim. But am I in control?

Can he change?

Can I change?

Can we start over as strangers and create a different, new future? Can we dismiss the past and write a new story?…. A new love story…. Can I really turn away from this man with whom I’ve spent half my life???

The door was clearly cracked open. My heart was open.  I wasn’t ready to turn away.

I had an hour to kill.  I sat in a parking lot, waiting to pick up my daughter from dance, and I texted him twice, ‘good to see you tonight, just checking in…’ And ‘did you make it back to your apartment okay?’

SILENCE

My mind and heart were sparring….do or don’t?  Run and hide or embrace.

I had to talk to him.

I called his cell and it answered, but he didn’t know it. This was the reverse butt dial….the unknowing answer.  Our call was live and I was tuned into 15 minutes of his life without him knowing.  He just arrived to his apartment, and he was with HER, Michelle. My heart sank when I heard her voice.

Continue reading “My Universe Showed Up and Protected Me – Divine Intervention Strikes Again –”

I Can Forgive – But Cannot Go Back

Seeing him threw me into a whirlpool of confusion. He wanted to reconcile.

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As I approached the table I was struck by the look on his face; he looked like the young man I met on a blind date – 20 years earlier.  It was startling and I had to look away; his eyes were trying to draw me in- I know those eyes and what they say better than anyone. He looked eager, relieved, delighted.
His eyes absorbed me, swept over me in approval; he wanted me.  He missed me. I knew his heart was racing. He tried to look calm…but in his heart, it was Christmas morning…and the prized package sat right across from him.
He watched my every move, reminders of what he left behind and evidence of what he wanted. I felt like he was taking mental inventory; oh, I like the way she orders food, drinks her water, relates to the wait staff. I tried to look calm, even aloof, put together. But I struggled.

I was in an emotional laboratory and every breath I took was under evaluation.

Some part of me relished these moments; months of rejection and neglect turned into heightened connection and attention.  My heart contracted with conflict. Other parts of me recoiled at his confidence – how dare he own me with his eyes and activate his charms to reclaim me.  My soul screamed… I’m not yours anymore!
After a few awkward moments and small talk, he bluntly admitted his flaws (selfish, immature, narcissistic, thoughtless). He told me he couldn’t stop thinking and dreaming about me.  I was the answer to his prayers. He apologized for his reckless behavior. He went to church, prayed, said he needed counseling. He professed his love and admitted his loneliness ‘out there’.  Life on the other side is hollow. The grass is not greener.
He said he broke ties with “Michelle” and he’s known her for years. I hid my shock at that confession but inside it took my breath away. He admitted their physical relationship started when I was abroad on a business trip, a year prior. I knew he was telling the truth- the corner of his mouth was crooked and eyes ashamed… I’ve seen that face before. He looked like a child, caught in a lie. He said it was over with her; he wanted to come home…to his family.

He said being with her was a big mistake. He had deep regrets.

I cautiously listened and struggled to believe. He admitted his “girlfriend” persuaded him to tell me he’d been with many women over the past year.  She wanted cover and not to be seen as a home wrecker or suffer a potential deposition in our divorce proceedings; she’d been through that before. She didn’t know want to be cast as the other woman.  She asked him to lie to me.

He obliged her…and devastated me.

Continue reading “I Can Forgive – But Cannot Go Back”

It’s a Different World – Three Months Later

Three months ago today – he left me. Almost three weeks from now, we would celebrate our 20th Wedding Anniversary.

Last night he texted me…he wants me back. Tonight, we’re meeting at 7pm.

My life in a timeline…swinging on my emotional pendulum.  My uncertain, unpredictable life. This is where I live, and this is all I know:

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On Day 10 of Oprah & Deepaks ‘Miraculous Relationship’ 21-day Mediation Challenge, I was stunned .  Oprah’s words practically called me out by name.

“What you asked for from the world is exactly what you’re getting back.”

The law of attraction is an amazing thing.  If you’re not a believer, watch The Secret. For me….I believe in it! It’s no coincidence this is happening NOW. I attracted this. I’m strong, steady and feeling more ALIVE – he comes knocking, heart in hand. The universe is amazing…

“If you want fulfilling relationships, first you must be full yourself”.

He may think I’m the same woman he left behind – in the rubble and slush of our broken relationship.  I was crushed and agonizingly broken beyond belief.  Reparation was a pipe dream, but a dream, nonetheless.  Breathing was my first, daily goal. Survival was my mission.

And now, three months later – I’m so much MORE than what he left behind.  I’m steady, strong and worthy of so much more.  He can’t rock me. I am love.  I deserve love. I am more than enough.

My SOURCE provides me strength, comfort and resolve.

Taking steps backward would be a SIN of monumental proportion. Backward is not an option.

What an amazing turn of events….

Stay tuned.

Namaste.

Kirby

PS- as soon as I finished editing and posting this blog – my phone rang.  It was him, the EXACT SECOND I pressed ‘post’.  He hasn’t called me in two months. THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES…..