I sat across from him two hours ago, resolute – I will not go back. I’ve come too far. Too much has happened. I’ve moved beyond our relationship. I need and deserve more.
Now, I was questioning myself. My resolve was crumbling.
Dear God, is this a test?
It’s so much different being the abandoner versus the abandoned. I’m no longer a victim. But am I in control?
Can he change?
Can I change?
Can we start over as strangers and create a different, new future? Can we dismiss the past and write a new story?…. A new love story…. Can I really turn away from this man with whom I’ve spent half my life???
The door was clearly cracked open. My heart was open. I wasn’t ready to turn away.
I had an hour to kill. I sat in a parking lot, waiting to pick up my daughter from dance, and I texted him twice, ‘good to see you tonight, just checking in…’ And ‘did you make it back to your apartment okay?’
My mind and heart were sparring….do or don’t? Run and hide or embrace.
I had to talk to him.
I called his cell and it answered, but he didn’t know it. This was the reverse butt dial….the unknowing answer. Our call was live and I was tuned into 15 minutes of his life without him knowing. He just arrived to his apartment, and he was with HER, Michelle. My heart sank when I heard her voice.