The Pain of Separation Seems Insurmountable – 10 Steps to Survive

Thursday, July 29, 2015

I didn’t get out of bed on Monday (fitbit said I walked less than 400 steps – bathroom breaks).  Not a great way to start the week.  I needed a mental health day and I work for myself – so I could take it. Curtains drawn, covers over my head, jammies on – 18 hours of sleep.

I had NO motivation at all.  Just exhausted.  It’s amazing how your emotional state can impact your physical self.

Depression just sucks

According to Radar Online (perhaps not the most reliable source), Robin Williams was sleeping 18 hours a day before he committed suicide. I believe it. I don’t know how people get through such deep depression and agony from separation, but they do; all the time. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in six months feeling better.

I’m eight weeks into this ‘experience’.  (I’ve decided not to call it a nightmare any more – the negative language must go and ‘experience’ is benign enough.) For 8 weeks I’ve walked around like a zombie; crying, reading, sleeping, meditating, going to therapy, praying and sending S.O.S signals to my wonderful support group of friends via texts, emails and phone calls.

I’ve learned valuable lessons about shock, grief and coping with the agony of separation, abandonment and rejection.  This is an emotional earthquake of epic proportion. Maybe my journey can help you…

Continue reading “The Pain of Separation Seems Insurmountable – 10 Steps to Survive”

Staying In The Now – Jesus Called

It’s so hard to not panic and rehearse disaster when you’re going through divorce.  Looking into the future and considering every possible situation almost buried me alive! It’s beyond overwhelming.

When my husband moved out, I was reduced to a puddle and pile of rubble on the floor of my empty home. My children were on a church mission trip and I was LITERALLY all alone. I moaned and screamed with intense pain, not knowing if I would ever stand again.  Several sources of inspiration provoked me to read Jesus Calling.  Here is an excerpt from the passage for that day, June 10, 2015. The key message – stay in the NOW.

Divine Intervention

“REST IN ME, MY CHILD. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!

Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, every day.”

Excerpt From: Young, Sarah. “Jesus Calling.” Thomas Nelson, 2014-02-01. iBooks.

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I don’t read the devotional every day, but when I do it seems it’s written for me.  Sometimes I go back and read the days I missed and they’re not appropriate for my journey.  The pages wrap around me like a soothing blanket; I know I’m not alone.

And, as I embarked on this journey I knew in my heart I could not do it alone. I set down my ego and opened up my heart.   The universe has messages and messengers for me to embrace.  I’m open and I’m ready.

And OMG did they come!….

Blogging About Divorce – The Legal Gamble

Understandably, my attorney is concerned blogging about my journey may hurt me or my divorce case.  Blogging may pose a risk to my divorce case. She’s right. Can I be careful and authentic at the same time? YES! I am committed to keeping my accounts in my blog – about the journey; my feelings, experiences and enlightenment throughout the way. This journey is beyond painful….but I must take each step each day.  I must breathe and I must share.  Reaching out is cathartic and necessary.  I COULD NOT DO THIS ALONE!
Everyone thinks I am so successful and strong – I can handle anything.  I built a strong image, a fačade and this is a side of me I’ve never revealed.  It’s okay to be emotional, vulnerable, raw.  The world accepts me and my flaws.  My friends SHOWED UP, support and love me.  I am AMAZED and open every day to the newness of this journey.  Thank you for reading…this is my response to my dear attorney’s concerns. BTW I’m blessed to have her represent me. 🙂

To Blog or Not To Blog…

Thank you for your concern and counsel. As a public relations professional, I have considered your concerns carefully and completely agree with the risks associated with putting myself and my journey out there.  I’ve been journaling for the last two months and know I need to do this…for me and for others in my shoes.

Continue reading “Blogging About Divorce – The Legal Gamble”

The Tangible Pain of Separation

Sometimes when my topic is so fiercely agonizing, I write in third person.  I think psychologically, it helps me to think of a person I’m helping – outside or inside myself….but not really me.

The Crushing Pain of Separation – is Biologically Real

Her words were wrapped around her throat – forming coarse lumps that made her gag and panic.

She was in flight or flight mode…. Cortisol raced through her like a freight train. The inability to speak, be heard, be loved BY HIM – impacted every part of her biology.

Her heart burned and struggled to beat as the letters of her feelings took inventory of the vascular wreckage. Her heart was in spasms and shattered.  LITERALLY BROKEN.

Her lungs gasped for air – every syllable felt like an embolism, like asthma, her breath was shallow and insufficient. CRACKLING. DROWNING.

Vowels and consonants scratched the lining of her stomach like ulcers, bleeding to be heard.

Her paragraphs cramped the muscles around her intestines – squeezing tighter and tighter…. Longing to be released.

There was no medicine to take, no remedy in sight.  She had to live with the strangling, suffocating, dark feeling of panic knowing her screams and pleas would go unheard:

THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT!

This is not ok with me!

WE DIDNT TRY EVERYTHING!!!!

I’m not done!

Don’t give up!!!!

Please stay.

Could I possibly cry any harder?

Dear Kids – Dad and I are Separating

These are the notes I prepared for our conversation with our teenaged children – thinking we had a chance. Perhaps this can help others on the verge of divorce.  Tend to each others SOULS!  Be SOUL-TENDERS!  

To our precious children – Dad and I are separating.

He got an apartment with a three-month lease.We are going to live apart for while in an effort to rebuild some important and broken parts of our marriage. We want to be healthier, loving people – and some time apart will help us put our marriage and our needs in better perspective.
We’ve been hurting as a couple for a long time. We take great trips, have a great house, comfortable lifestyle and all the THINGS we could ever want.  What we don’t have is an intentional connection on the heart/soul level. We don’t take good care of each other emotionally.  That’s more important than everything you see around you.
We’ve let life get in the way and time pass us by.  We don’t take the needed effort deep relationships deserve and require. As a result, we’ve grown apart. No one is guilty – no on is to blame – it just IS.
It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day, to-do-list of LIFE and activities.  We are marking time.

Relationships are about CONNECTION and GRATITUDE.

It’s about looking into someones eyes and feeling them….seeing them….accepting them….and loving them.  This cannot be done during a commercial break, in between games or in between business trips. Relationships deserve a daily dose of INTENTIONAL SOUL TENDING.

Continue reading “Dear Kids – Dad and I are Separating”

Emotional Rollercoaster – That’s an Understatement – I’m leaving you.

And so the journey begins…

I was bare naked, walking on a tight rope made of sharp glass, whipped and beaten by gale force arctic winds, completely exposed and struggling to breathe from the rope around my neck and the end nowhere in sight.

That was my daily visualization.

That’s what it felt like when my husband left me.

Raw. Alone. Afraid. Vulnerable. Panicked. Dumbfounded. De-bowled.

My guts were ripped from my insides, my heart literally prickled in my chest as it dismantled with every beat. My throat was dry and oxygen scarce. All of my vital organs were in shock. Cortisol raced through my bloodstream, my heart pulsed in my neck and temples, my eyes swelled from the steady flow of tears – I looked like a different, older, beaten version of me. My voice was mute – there were no words. I screamed and cried but no one heard. I was completely alone. I raged to the four walls of my 1/2 empty closet.

The tectonic plates on which I built my secure life collided and buckled – I was in an emotional earthquake surrounded by instability and chaos. Safety, trust and truth were nowhere to be found. Everything was jagged, cold, dark and cutting.

I was rejected, unloved, discarded and my husband whom I called ‘the man of my dreams’ moved on. JUST LIKE THAT.

Or was it?

Continue reading “Emotional Rollercoaster – That’s an Understatement – I’m leaving you.”