Libido, Love and Living – “Scratching That Itch”

I got exactly what I asked for – but not more than I needed.

I just wanted to be held, feel desirable – cherished. My insides were raging, I had an emotional rash that needed attention – every part of me was hyper-ichy – I needed to be scratched…like that spot on you back you can’t reach – times a thousand.  I needed a long, intentional, intense scratching. Every cell craved it.

I was reading the new 50-Shades version of GREY…and it was torturous. My mind was running wild – my body was close behind!

For weeks I walked around in a perpetual state of arousal – stunned my libido was so PRESENT – SO ON-EDGE.  I was wearing it all over me….my NEED. What was happening!? It as almost sickening and saddening. Why was I so hypersensitive to every thought and stimulation?  WHY WAS I AROUSED? Why NOW? What switch, FLIPPED? My mind and my body were in a ruthless conspiracy – my desire raged and there was no outlet, no remedy, no ONE in sight. Alone again – with this unreachable, raging itch, pulsing all over and inside of me.

It’s ironic; I existed in most of my marriage cold, dry and uninterested. Sex and intimacy were incredible (or so I thought), once I ‘got started’.  Mostly, for me, sleeping was a better option.  I didn’t NEED or CRAVE sex with my husband. I felt more obligated than inspired or desired.  It was always intense and satisfying but I didn’t crave it or him….I was ambivalent.

And then I met Ken…

As soon as I saw him I felt a connection – even though he wasn’t ‘my type’.  All my ex-lovers were the GQ-cover, star athlete and frat-boy types.  Tall, dark, uber-fit, shiny white smiles, and smooth talking, silver tongues. Ken didn’t match this description.

In high school, he was likely more nerdy than athletic. Smart, attentive, curious, kind and working to find his social (dating) comfort zone.  He wasn’t a smooth talker…even maybe a little awkward and quirky. Sweet talking wasn’t his forte…he wasn’t a ‘player’. Why did I always seek ‘players’? He was different. He had kind, vulnerable, piercing blue eyes that spoke to me…reached me.

I was intrigued to learn what was behind those curious, pleading, hurt but hopeful blue eyes…

but busy with life – I let him pursue me.  And if he didn’t, no harm no foul.  Yet, I knew he would.  I knew I was on his mind…I knew I, unwittingly, reached into some untapped part of him. I just didn’t know how deeply I reached…or vice versa.

After a few weeks of text exchanges things grew more intense – more comfortable. My heart was softening and opening…I let him in. I wanted more.  Awkward or not…

I was HOT for him.

Continue reading “Libido, Love and Living – “Scratching That Itch””

Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock

I’m in limbo.  No immediate drama, no rehearsing disaster, no catastrophic thinking…I just AM.  I’m not overjoyed, I’m not curled up in a ball of agony. I am alone and I just AM. I’m quiet and I’m learning that my story isn’t so special.  So many people experience this pain.  So many survive.  People either leave or are left behind.  They reject or are rejected.  Surviving is “a process” – the most common advice I hear.

So right now…I just AM in emotional limbo. THE WATER IS CALM AND I AM ALONE…NOT SURE WHERE THIS JOURNEY WILL TAKE ME.

BUT I ASK MYSELF – Am I making progress and healing if I’m not working and FEELING every day? Am I being honest in this journey?  Does it need my daily attention?

Perhaps a look back will help me appreciate where I am today…time to take stock.

Here’s my journal entry and text to my best friends and sister five weeks after my husband walked out. Here’s what they had to say. I know, I’ve come a long way…

Continue reading “Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock”

Is It Ok To HATE????

It’s been 10 weeks since he left…walked out and rejected me. Rejected our 20 year life – our marriage, our future.

Every emotion available has surged and burned through my arteries.

Now – I’m in HATE.

I hate him for doing this; I hate him for rejecting me – our life – our future. I hate him for his cowardice – for not doing everything possible to fix our marriage. I hate him for his high and unfulfilled expectations – I always fell short in his book (never good enough). I hate him for the LAME divorce decree he sent to me; inadequate, thoughtless and incomplete. I hate him for suggesting I should sign it and we would be officially divorced by September 2!  SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I hate him for not considering OUR children.  I hate him for not working harder to reach out and be relevant in their lives. I hate him for betraying me – for CHEATING ON ME! I was completely faithful for 20 years! I hate him for all of our money issues – I hate him for blaming me FOR EVERYTHING.

I hate him for not missing me.

I JUST HATE HIM.Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.20.44 PM

And I hate myself for feeling HATE in my heart.

My head says, I should know better….

I just finished the Oprah/Deepak’s 21 Day Mediation Challenge all about GRACE & GRATITUDE. I’ve immersed myself in meditations like this:

Day 5 – Gratitude Awakens the True Self

“The road to happiness starts with a deep breath and an awareness of the many blessings tied to that single breath.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

We might think that to live in grace requires us to pursue a devout lifestyle and retreat from the world. However, we have learned that grace abides in all things, all places, and all times. If we go beyond our changing personalities to connect with our essential self, we contact this ever-present grace and can live this state of grace even in the everyday world.

Our true self is peaceful, but not inert. It is intelligent, powerful, and intimately involved in our every wish and dream. The true self has the creative power and intelligence to direct and manifest your life’s journey. When you step into and participate with life from this level, you are always grateful and find grace everywhere.

My notes from this Day 5 mediation were so uplifting – so POSITIVE:

  • Gratitude guides me to acceptance
  • Go deep to truth and tranquility
  • My true self knows the answers
  • It’s truthful
  • It’s authentic
  • My creative force
  • My true self awakens the universe as I dance freely
  • My true self is always grateful
  • It’s intense and real
  • I see grace abounding
  • The dancer brings new life
  • She’s silently aware
  • She’s constant
  • My true self is the source of grace
  • My true self is a goddess
  • My true self loves me
  • My true self is always grateful
  • My true self loves me

I’m reading Louise Hay and working to positively AFFIRM myself and my universe.

Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.33.14 PMScreen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.34.17 PM

My friend Leslie Green’s Love Trust & Pixie Dust posts inspire me:

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I’m working every day to look at the POSITIVES and learnings in every experience –

BUT I HATE.

Of course I went to the internet to help….IT IS OKAY TO HATE? Am I just impatient with my journey?

Continue reading “Is It Ok To HATE????”

Sister Love – Another Divine Moment (Part 2)

The day after he texted ‘I want a separation’ I sat in a fast food restaurant parking lot sobbing. My kids were inside eating – I was outside in sitting my car crying and dying.

My life blew up –

everything I knew to be true was false; up was down, safe was threatened, love was hate and betrayal, coupled was abandoned and alone. I needed help.  I needed someone, someone to show me that I mattered.  I didn’t feel it, I didn’t believe it – I was no one. I didn’t matter – I was trash. I screamed to God for help just to get through another breathe.

Then my cell rang….my sister answered my prayer in my darkest hour.

Truly a divine moment.  It was the first of many more to come.

Over the following weeks, she was my rock…she held me up:Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 9.58.05 PM

A few weeks later, my son and I (my daughter was at camp for the month) went up north to see my sister and family  – really to get away from the bed I shared with my husband of 20 years.  Waking up alone was agonizing.  Going to sleep without him by my side was heart wrenching. I needed a break. I needed to feel loved. I needed to get away from what I thought was the safety of my HOME.

I was worried about the trip but knew I needed a break…she reassured me:

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During my retreat from my now un-safe place called ‘home’, I focused on journaling, praying, reading and sleeping. In between all of that I’d well up with tears or sob at any given moment. I was so unsteady, so frail and so broken. And – I was open to all and any message around me.  My soul was begging for signs and symbols of reassurance…a life line…a thread.  I needed something to hold on to because I was an emotional blob of gunk.

Continue reading “Sister Love – Another Divine Moment (Part 2)”

There Are NO Coincidences – Incoming Divine Moments (Part 1)

There are NO COINCIDENCES!

Everything happens for a reason. I’ve chronicled these ‘divine moments’ in an effort to honor them – and me.  My world showed up for me – and I’m fully available to it all.  I hope these accounts inspire you to tune in, be still, open up and reach out.

My mother-in-law – to answer or not to answer, what a dilemma!

After 20 years of marriage I can truly say, my mother-in-law hasn’t liked me for 19 of the years.  She’s the ultimate ‘church lady’.  Stout, white hair, piercing blue eyes, reads the bible daily and quotes scripture like a grocery list. She can talk about anything and is positioned as the ‘spiritual leader’ of the family.

I’ve seen her dark side. I know her to be judgmental, snarky, close-minded and cold. I’ve struggled for many years to live in the warm place in her heart – the place she shows nearly everyone else. I could never wiggle in.  She shut me out – and I did the same.  For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction – we were a dysfunction law of physics – and neither had the will or love to change the dance.

I NEVER answered whenever our caller ID indicated her number.

I’m not into small talk and she rarely showed interest in me or my life.  She liked to talk, and I didn’t want to listen. Her biblical platitudes wore me out…so I shut her out.

The night I received the text – I want to separate – from my husband, I was home alone. My kids, on a mission trip….my husband, somewhere over the Atlantic texting his intentions from 30K feet. I was in an emotional puddled; confused, scared and alone. OMG – after 20 years, my husband was leaving me!

P A N I C!!!

Continue reading “There Are NO Coincidences – Incoming Divine Moments (Part 1)”

Rejection, STD’s and Emotional Rape

July 7, 2015,

Did my cheating husband give me STD’s?  I had to find out – but didn’t know the process would be akin to emotional rape.  My story – graphic, painful and unfortunately, TRUE.

Please be warned – this is a hard story to share – and to read.

I waited several weeks to post this story due to it’s graphic nature. However, it’s a story that must be shared…the ultimate expression of my vulnerability.

Dear Husband…Let me tell you a bedtime story…..and I’ll write in 3rd person as it’s too painful to think THIS HAPPENED TO ME.

There was a woman named Kirby who was betrayed in the most intimate way… By day, her seemingly devoted husband made her meals, bought her jewelry… And by night he fucked around.

By day he’d send loving texts saying I want to cuddle with you…and by night he’d get so drunk, he’d lose track of time and stumble in at sunrise after ‘they were just distractions’ sex with random women.

Ernest Hemmingway…hemmingway cheating quote

Kirby didn’t suspect- she was facing her mistrust and working to let go of past marital violations… The wounds were still there… And triggered by his time lapse nights out.

Deep down she was depressed.  She knew something was wrong. Her emotions exhausted her… The distrust drained her.  The pressure to accept his behavior left her feeling powerless.

All she wanted to go to as sleep.  Sleep helped her escape.

Fast forward to last Thursday…July 1, 2015

Continue reading “Rejection, STD’s and Emotional Rape”

My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully

July 31, 2015

It’s been two months since he left me. Twenty of years of marriage and no real warning. I was completely ALONE and left to drown in a sea of agony and confusion. My face was swollen from continual sobbing.  I didn’t recognize myself. My body ached as though I had the flu. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t swallow. I didn’t want to move. Even my hair hurt. I felt like I was dying…a part of me was dying.

The pain persists but I’m crying less and coping better. My moments are more sporadic versus choking and constant. But I still hurt and these two months felt like an eternity. During this time…and for many years prior, my TRUE Self (the home of true love, truth and intention) patiently waited for me – grieved FOR ME.

My hurt is shifting – At first, I blamed myself…

I replayed every situation and decision that he said, drove him away. I questioned and berated myself:

  • I should have been a more attentive wife…
  • I should have made more meals….
  • I should have focused more on him versus my career…
  • I should have spent less money…
  • I should have taken better care of his needs – he was articulate. He asked me to go out of Friday nights.. 
  • I should have had more sex… he said he wanted me…
  • I should have done something about my libido – he asked me to take testosterone…
  • I should have worked out with him – he begged me to go to the gym with him…I had no energy…
  • I should have gotten out of bed!  I napped through so many opportunities to connect with my husband. But Why?

It seems, he can explicitly point to specific situations when I rejected him.  For me – it’s more illusive, more implicit.

My disengagement happened over time….no specific THING turned me away or turned me off.  It was a current – and undertow – not visible from the surface and dangerous to explore in depth. My love eroded gradually, like rocks on a hillside – slammed with salty water and waves of abuse day after day…year after year, I withdrew.

Continue reading “My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully”

Online Dating – Expect the Unexpected

For years, my husband begged me to go out with him on Friday and Saturday nights.  I resisted; either too tired or didn’t like ‘his’ crowd.  I’m not much of a drinker and they are heavy weights – sitting on the sideline sober having meaningless conversation is not my idea of fun. So – my husband went out alone, often. He came home very late, often.  He was off the radar, often. Who’s to blame.  It really doesn’t matter now.

To date or not to date….?

In an effort to keep myself busy and get positive feedback from men about myself, I joined Match.com.  OMG, what an adventure.  This is totally new for me as I’ve been OFF THE MARKET for 20 years and COMPLETELY FAITHFUL!

All the winks, like and favorites got my head spinning!  Some of it is fun and most downright scary!  My single girlfriends have the ‘match-thing’ down to a science, with articles, notes and all.  Am I too old for this?

Two crazy things happened that were great lessons for me…

1) my husband responded to my profile and

2) I fell in love in three days (well not really but my heart fluttered…)

Continue reading “Online Dating – Expect the Unexpected”

The Pain of Separation Seems Insurmountable – 10 Steps to Survive

Thursday, July 29, 2015

I didn’t get out of bed on Monday (fitbit said I walked less than 400 steps – bathroom breaks).  Not a great way to start the week.  I needed a mental health day and I work for myself – so I could take it. Curtains drawn, covers over my head, jammies on – 18 hours of sleep.

I had NO motivation at all.  Just exhausted.  It’s amazing how your emotional state can impact your physical self.

Depression just sucks

According to Radar Online (perhaps not the most reliable source), Robin Williams was sleeping 18 hours a day before he committed suicide. I believe it. I don’t know how people get through such deep depression and agony from separation, but they do; all the time. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in six months feeling better.

I’m eight weeks into this ‘experience’.  (I’ve decided not to call it a nightmare any more – the negative language must go and ‘experience’ is benign enough.) For 8 weeks I’ve walked around like a zombie; crying, reading, sleeping, meditating, going to therapy, praying and sending S.O.S signals to my wonderful support group of friends via texts, emails and phone calls.

I’ve learned valuable lessons about shock, grief and coping with the agony of separation, abandonment and rejection.  This is an emotional earthquake of epic proportion. Maybe my journey can help you…

Continue reading “The Pain of Separation Seems Insurmountable – 10 Steps to Survive”

Staying In The Now – Jesus Called

It’s so hard to not panic and rehearse disaster when you’re going through divorce.  Looking into the future and considering every possible situation almost buried me alive! It’s beyond overwhelming.

When my husband moved out, I was reduced to a puddle and pile of rubble on the floor of my empty home. My children were on a church mission trip and I was LITERALLY all alone. I moaned and screamed with intense pain, not knowing if I would ever stand again.  Several sources of inspiration provoked me to read Jesus Calling.  Here is an excerpt from the passage for that day, June 10, 2015. The key message – stay in the NOW.

Divine Intervention

“REST IN ME, MY CHILD. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!

Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, every day.”

Excerpt From: Young, Sarah. “Jesus Calling.” Thomas Nelson, 2014-02-01. iBooks.

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I don’t read the devotional every day, but when I do it seems it’s written for me.  Sometimes I go back and read the days I missed and they’re not appropriate for my journey.  The pages wrap around me like a soothing blanket; I know I’m not alone.

And, as I embarked on this journey I knew in my heart I could not do it alone. I set down my ego and opened up my heart.   The universe has messages and messengers for me to embrace.  I’m open and I’m ready.

And OMG did they come!….