My Universe Showed Up and Protected Me – Divine Intervention Strikes Again –

I sat across from him two hours ago, resolute – I will not go back. I’ve come too far.  Too much has happened. I’ve moved beyond our relationship. I need and deserve more.

Now, I was questioning myself. My resolve was crumbling.

Dear God, is this a test?

It’s so much different being the abandoner versus the abandoned.  I’m no longer a victim. But am I in control?

Can he change?

Can I change?

Can we start over as strangers and create a different, new future? Can we dismiss the past and write a new story?…. A new love story…. Can I really turn away from this man with whom I’ve spent half my life???

The door was clearly cracked open. My heart was open.  I wasn’t ready to turn away.

I had an hour to kill.  I sat in a parking lot, waiting to pick up my daughter from dance, and I texted him twice, ‘good to see you tonight, just checking in…’ And ‘did you make it back to your apartment okay?’

SILENCE

My mind and heart were sparring….do or don’t?  Run and hide or embrace.

I had to talk to him.

I called his cell and it answered, but he didn’t know it. This was the reverse butt dial….the unknowing answer.  Our call was live and I was tuned into 15 minutes of his life without him knowing.  He just arrived to his apartment, and he was with HER, Michelle. My heart sank when I heard her voice.

Continue reading “My Universe Showed Up and Protected Me – Divine Intervention Strikes Again –”

I Can Forgive – But Cannot Go Back

Seeing him threw me into a whirlpool of confusion. He wanted to reconcile.

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As I approached the table I was struck by the look on his face; he looked like the young man I met on a blind date – 20 years earlier.  It was startling and I had to look away; his eyes were trying to draw me in- I know those eyes and what they say better than anyone. He looked eager, relieved, delighted.
His eyes absorbed me, swept over me in approval; he wanted me.  He missed me. I knew his heart was racing. He tried to look calm…but in his heart, it was Christmas morning…and the prized package sat right across from him.
He watched my every move, reminders of what he left behind and evidence of what he wanted. I felt like he was taking mental inventory; oh, I like the way she orders food, drinks her water, relates to the wait staff. I tried to look calm, even aloof, put together. But I struggled.

I was in an emotional laboratory and every breath I took was under evaluation.

Some part of me relished these moments; months of rejection and neglect turned into heightened connection and attention.  My heart contracted with conflict. Other parts of me recoiled at his confidence – how dare he own me with his eyes and activate his charms to reclaim me.  My soul screamed… I’m not yours anymore!
After a few awkward moments and small talk, he bluntly admitted his flaws (selfish, immature, narcissistic, thoughtless). He told me he couldn’t stop thinking and dreaming about me.  I was the answer to his prayers. He apologized for his reckless behavior. He went to church, prayed, said he needed counseling. He professed his love and admitted his loneliness ‘out there’.  Life on the other side is hollow. The grass is not greener.
He said he broke ties with “Michelle” and he’s known her for years. I hid my shock at that confession but inside it took my breath away. He admitted their physical relationship started when I was abroad on a business trip, a year prior. I knew he was telling the truth- the corner of his mouth was crooked and eyes ashamed… I’ve seen that face before. He looked like a child, caught in a lie. He said it was over with her; he wanted to come home…to his family.

He said being with her was a big mistake. He had deep regrets.

I cautiously listened and struggled to believe. He admitted his “girlfriend” persuaded him to tell me he’d been with many women over the past year.  She wanted cover and not to be seen as a home wrecker or suffer a potential deposition in our divorce proceedings; she’d been through that before. She didn’t know want to be cast as the other woman.  She asked him to lie to me.

He obliged her…and devastated me.

Continue reading “I Can Forgive – But Cannot Go Back”

It’s a Different World – Three Months Later

Three months ago today – he left me. Almost three weeks from now, we would celebrate our 20th Wedding Anniversary.

Last night he texted me…he wants me back. Tonight, we’re meeting at 7pm.

My life in a timeline…swinging on my emotional pendulum.  My uncertain, unpredictable life. This is where I live, and this is all I know:

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On Day 10 of Oprah & Deepaks ‘Miraculous Relationship’ 21-day Mediation Challenge, I was stunned .  Oprah’s words practically called me out by name.

“What you asked for from the world is exactly what you’re getting back.”

The law of attraction is an amazing thing.  If you’re not a believer, watch The Secret. For me….I believe in it! It’s no coincidence this is happening NOW. I attracted this. I’m strong, steady and feeling more ALIVE – he comes knocking, heart in hand. The universe is amazing…

“If you want fulfilling relationships, first you must be full yourself”.

He may think I’m the same woman he left behind – in the rubble and slush of our broken relationship.  I was crushed and agonizingly broken beyond belief.  Reparation was a pipe dream, but a dream, nonetheless.  Breathing was my first, daily goal. Survival was my mission.

And now, three months later – I’m so much MORE than what he left behind.  I’m steady, strong and worthy of so much more.  He can’t rock me. I am love.  I deserve love. I am more than enough.

My SOURCE provides me strength, comfort and resolve.

Taking steps backward would be a SIN of monumental proportion. Backward is not an option.

What an amazing turn of events….

Stay tuned.

Namaste.

Kirby

PS- as soon as I finished editing and posting this blog – my phone rang.  It was him, the EXACT SECOND I pressed ‘post’.  He hasn’t called me in two months. THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES…..

Libido, Love and Living – “Scratching That Itch”

I got exactly what I asked for – but not more than I needed.

I just wanted to be held, feel desirable – cherished. My insides were raging, I had an emotional rash that needed attention – every part of me was hyper-ichy – I needed to be scratched…like that spot on you back you can’t reach – times a thousand.  I needed a long, intentional, intense scratching. Every cell craved it.

I was reading the new 50-Shades version of GREY…and it was torturous. My mind was running wild – my body was close behind!

For weeks I walked around in a perpetual state of arousal – stunned my libido was so PRESENT – SO ON-EDGE.  I was wearing it all over me….my NEED. What was happening!? It as almost sickening and saddening. Why was I so hypersensitive to every thought and stimulation?  WHY WAS I AROUSED? Why NOW? What switch, FLIPPED? My mind and my body were in a ruthless conspiracy – my desire raged and there was no outlet, no remedy, no ONE in sight. Alone again – with this unreachable, raging itch, pulsing all over and inside of me.

It’s ironic; I existed in most of my marriage cold, dry and uninterested. Sex and intimacy were incredible (or so I thought), once I ‘got started’.  Mostly, for me, sleeping was a better option.  I didn’t NEED or CRAVE sex with my husband. I felt more obligated than inspired or desired.  It was always intense and satisfying but I didn’t crave it or him….I was ambivalent.

And then I met Ken…

As soon as I saw him I felt a connection – even though he wasn’t ‘my type’.  All my ex-lovers were the GQ-cover, star athlete and frat-boy types.  Tall, dark, uber-fit, shiny white smiles, and smooth talking, silver tongues. Ken didn’t match this description.

In high school, he was likely more nerdy than athletic. Smart, attentive, curious, kind and working to find his social (dating) comfort zone.  He wasn’t a smooth talker…even maybe a little awkward and quirky. Sweet talking wasn’t his forte…he wasn’t a ‘player’. Why did I always seek ‘players’? He was different. He had kind, vulnerable, piercing blue eyes that spoke to me…reached me.

I was intrigued to learn what was behind those curious, pleading, hurt but hopeful blue eyes…

but busy with life – I let him pursue me.  And if he didn’t, no harm no foul.  Yet, I knew he would.  I knew I was on his mind…I knew I, unwittingly, reached into some untapped part of him. I just didn’t know how deeply I reached…or vice versa.

After a few weeks of text exchanges things grew more intense – more comfortable. My heart was softening and opening…I let him in. I wanted more.  Awkward or not…

I was HOT for him.

Continue reading “Libido, Love and Living – “Scratching That Itch””

Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock

I’m in limbo.  No immediate drama, no rehearsing disaster, no catastrophic thinking…I just AM.  I’m not overjoyed, I’m not curled up in a ball of agony. I am alone and I just AM. I’m quiet and I’m learning that my story isn’t so special.  So many people experience this pain.  So many survive.  People either leave or are left behind.  They reject or are rejected.  Surviving is “a process” – the most common advice I hear.

So right now…I just AM in emotional limbo. THE WATER IS CALM AND I AM ALONE…NOT SURE WHERE THIS JOURNEY WILL TAKE ME.

BUT I ASK MYSELF – Am I making progress and healing if I’m not working and FEELING every day? Am I being honest in this journey?  Does it need my daily attention?

Perhaps a look back will help me appreciate where I am today…time to take stock.

Here’s my journal entry and text to my best friends and sister five weeks after my husband walked out. Here’s what they had to say. I know, I’ve come a long way…

Continue reading “Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock”

Is It Ok To HATE????

It’s been 10 weeks since he left…walked out and rejected me. Rejected our 20 year life – our marriage, our future.

Every emotion available has surged and burned through my arteries.

Now – I’m in HATE.

I hate him for doing this; I hate him for rejecting me – our life – our future. I hate him for his cowardice – for not doing everything possible to fix our marriage. I hate him for his high and unfulfilled expectations – I always fell short in his book (never good enough). I hate him for the LAME divorce decree he sent to me; inadequate, thoughtless and incomplete. I hate him for suggesting I should sign it and we would be officially divorced by September 2!  SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I hate him for not considering OUR children.  I hate him for not working harder to reach out and be relevant in their lives. I hate him for betraying me – for CHEATING ON ME! I was completely faithful for 20 years! I hate him for all of our money issues – I hate him for blaming me FOR EVERYTHING.

I hate him for not missing me.

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And I hate myself for feeling HATE in my heart.

My head says, I should know better….

I just finished the Oprah/Deepak’s 21 Day Mediation Challenge all about GRACE & GRATITUDE. I’ve immersed myself in meditations like this:

Day 5 – Gratitude Awakens the True Self

“The road to happiness starts with a deep breath and an awareness of the many blessings tied to that single breath.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

We might think that to live in grace requires us to pursue a devout lifestyle and retreat from the world. However, we have learned that grace abides in all things, all places, and all times. If we go beyond our changing personalities to connect with our essential self, we contact this ever-present grace and can live this state of grace even in the everyday world.

Our true self is peaceful, but not inert. It is intelligent, powerful, and intimately involved in our every wish and dream. The true self has the creative power and intelligence to direct and manifest your life’s journey. When you step into and participate with life from this level, you are always grateful and find grace everywhere.

My notes from this Day 5 mediation were so uplifting – so POSITIVE:

  • Gratitude guides me to acceptance
  • Go deep to truth and tranquility
  • My true self knows the answers
  • It’s truthful
  • It’s authentic
  • My creative force
  • My true self awakens the universe as I dance freely
  • My true self is always grateful
  • It’s intense and real
  • I see grace abounding
  • The dancer brings new life
  • She’s silently aware
  • She’s constant
  • My true self is the source of grace
  • My true self is a goddess
  • My true self loves me
  • My true self is always grateful
  • My true self loves me

I’m reading Louise Hay and working to positively AFFIRM myself and my universe.

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My friend Leslie Green’s Love Trust & Pixie Dust posts inspire me:

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I’m working every day to look at the POSITIVES and learnings in every experience –

BUT I HATE.

Of course I went to the internet to help….IT IS OKAY TO HATE? Am I just impatient with my journey?

Continue reading “Is It Ok To HATE????”

Sister Love – Another Divine Moment (Part 2)

The day after he texted ‘I want a separation’ I sat in a fast food restaurant parking lot sobbing. My kids were inside eating – I was outside in sitting my car crying and dying.

My life blew up –

everything I knew to be true was false; up was down, safe was threatened, love was hate and betrayal, coupled was abandoned and alone. I needed help.  I needed someone, someone to show me that I mattered.  I didn’t feel it, I didn’t believe it – I was no one. I didn’t matter – I was trash. I screamed to God for help just to get through another breathe.

Then my cell rang….my sister answered my prayer in my darkest hour.

Truly a divine moment.  It was the first of many more to come.

Over the following weeks, she was my rock…she held me up:Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 9.58.05 PM

A few weeks later, my son and I (my daughter was at camp for the month) went up north to see my sister and family  – really to get away from the bed I shared with my husband of 20 years.  Waking up alone was agonizing.  Going to sleep without him by my side was heart wrenching. I needed a break. I needed to feel loved. I needed to get away from what I thought was the safety of my HOME.

I was worried about the trip but knew I needed a break…she reassured me:

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During my retreat from my now un-safe place called ‘home’, I focused on journaling, praying, reading and sleeping. In between all of that I’d well up with tears or sob at any given moment. I was so unsteady, so frail and so broken. And – I was open to all and any message around me.  My soul was begging for signs and symbols of reassurance…a life line…a thread.  I needed something to hold on to because I was an emotional blob of gunk.

Continue reading “Sister Love – Another Divine Moment (Part 2)”