Fast Forward – 2.5 Years – Be The Buffalo

It’s been a long time since my last post – almost 2.5 years to be exact!  And, I can truthfully say the deconstruction continued…I’ve been sleeping….a  long, numbing hibernation.

My advice:  Be the buffalo and face the storm.

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Most creatures are programmed to avoid pain and discomfort.  When a storm is coming, for example, cows run away from it.  The problem with that is – cows aren’t very fast runners.  Therefore the choice to run makes the storm (or the healing) last longer (and harder).

What buffalo do on the other hand is very unique for the animal kingdom. Buffalo wait for the clouds and chaos to reveal and turn and charge directly into it (the storm).  By running directly into the storm they run straight through it.  They feel it, perhaps with  more intensity, but in the end, they minimize the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience from that storm.

Divorce is one of the biggest storms you’ll face.

Continue reading “Fast Forward – 2.5 Years – Be The Buffalo”

I Am Broken…Deconstructed.

I named this blog ‘divorce didn’t crush me’ as an optimistic gesture – an attempt to manifest a positive destiny from the ruins of heartbreak.  I named it HOPING divorce wouldn’t crush me.  I was wrong.

Turns out….divorce DOES crush you.  Badly. 

IT DECONSTRUCTS YOU…screen-shot-2016-11-19-at-11-13-48-am

Continue reading “I Am Broken…Deconstructed.”

In Divorce – there are no winners. Only LOSERS.

Screen Shot 2016-07-05 at 1.14.58 PMTen months of lawyers, letters, texts and threats.

Ten months of dreams, nightmares, grief and reckoning…trying to find a solution to an unsolvable problem….how to divide our estate – what is EQUITABLE? Mediation, cooperation, negotiation, calculation, contemplation, anticipation – culminating in 6 hours of divorce court/trial and tens of thousands in legal fees – AND BOTH OF US LEFT LOSERS.  Except the lawyers.

I promised myself I’d keep it all business, not extraneous or chatty.  My lawyer conversations would be on point, mission driven, efficient – I’d always be prepared and strategic. What a joke.

When Jessica, my lawyer, walked into the courtroom with her legal eagle and intern in tow, wheeling a dolly of boxes labeled ‘discovery’ from the last year of my case – I knew I failed miserably.  I knew those boxes were filled with thousand of pages equaling thousands of dollars – that would never be in my pocket.

When it was over, I thought I’d feel relief – that’s what everyone promised me!  But I didn’t.  I just felt despair, deep loss and more grief.  Divorce is a long marathon, a roller coaster ride – filled with injuries and unexpected turns.  Just when you thought you reached the apex, screamed your lungs out – went to the depth of the coaster at warp speed and lost your breath and perhaps consciousness as a result – you realize the ride is just beginning. There are no 12 steps to this process – or five stages of grief.  There are thousands of steps, turns, dips and leaps – all coming at you without notice.  The journey is unyielding and unmerciful.

All you can do is hold on….and breathe or gasp for air.

Continue reading “In Divorce – there are no winners. Only LOSERS.”

Rejection, STD’s and Emotional Rape

July 7, 2015,

Did my cheating husband give me STD’s?  I had to find out – but didn’t know the process would be akin to emotional rape.  My story – graphic, painful and unfortunately, TRUE.

Please be warned – this is a hard story to share – and to read.

I waited several weeks to post this story due to it’s graphic nature. However, it’s a story that must be shared…the ultimate expression of my vulnerability.

Dear Husband…Let me tell you a bedtime story…..and I’ll write in 3rd person as it’s too painful to think THIS HAPPENED TO ME.

There was a woman named Kirby who was betrayed in the most intimate way… By day, her seemingly devoted husband made her meals, bought her jewelry… And by night he fucked around.

By day he’d send loving texts saying I want to cuddle with you…and by night he’d get so drunk, he’d lose track of time and stumble in at sunrise after ‘they were just distractions’ sex with random women.

Ernest Hemmingway…hemmingway cheating quote

Kirby didn’t suspect- she was facing her mistrust and working to let go of past marital violations… The wounds were still there… And triggered by his time lapse nights out.

Deep down she was depressed.  She knew something was wrong. Her emotions exhausted her… The distrust drained her.  The pressure to accept his behavior left her feeling powerless.

All she wanted to go to as sleep.  Sleep helped her escape.

Fast forward to last Thursday…July 1, 2015

Continue reading “Rejection, STD’s and Emotional Rape”

My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully

July 31, 2015

It’s been two months since he left me. Twenty of years of marriage and no real warning. I was completely ALONE and left to drown in a sea of agony and confusion. My face was swollen from continual sobbing.  I didn’t recognize myself. My body ached as though I had the flu. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t swallow. I didn’t want to move. Even my hair hurt. I felt like I was dying…a part of me was dying.

The pain persists but I’m crying less and coping better. My moments are more sporadic versus choking and constant. But I still hurt and these two months felt like an eternity. During this time…and for many years prior, my TRUE Self (the home of true love, truth and intention) patiently waited for me – grieved FOR ME.

My hurt is shifting – At first, I blamed myself…

I replayed every situation and decision that he said, drove him away. I questioned and berated myself:

  • I should have been a more attentive wife…
  • I should have made more meals….
  • I should have focused more on him versus my career…
  • I should have spent less money…
  • I should have taken better care of his needs – he was articulate. He asked me to go out of Friday nights.. 
  • I should have had more sex… he said he wanted me…
  • I should have done something about my libido – he asked me to take testosterone…
  • I should have worked out with him – he begged me to go to the gym with him…I had no energy…
  • I should have gotten out of bed!  I napped through so many opportunities to connect with my husband. But Why?

It seems, he can explicitly point to specific situations when I rejected him.  For me – it’s more illusive, more implicit.

My disengagement happened over time….no specific THING turned me away or turned me off.  It was a current – and undertow – not visible from the surface and dangerous to explore in depth. My love eroded gradually, like rocks on a hillside – slammed with salty water and waves of abuse day after day…year after year, I withdrew.

Continue reading “My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully”

Staying In The Now – Jesus Called

It’s so hard to not panic and rehearse disaster when you’re going through divorce.  Looking into the future and considering every possible situation almost buried me alive! It’s beyond overwhelming.

When my husband moved out, I was reduced to a puddle and pile of rubble on the floor of my empty home. My children were on a church mission trip and I was LITERALLY all alone. I moaned and screamed with intense pain, not knowing if I would ever stand again.  Several sources of inspiration provoked me to read Jesus Calling.  Here is an excerpt from the passage for that day, June 10, 2015. The key message – stay in the NOW.

Divine Intervention

“REST IN ME, MY CHILD. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!

Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, every day.”

Excerpt From: Young, Sarah. “Jesus Calling.” Thomas Nelson, 2014-02-01. iBooks.

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I don’t read the devotional every day, but when I do it seems it’s written for me.  Sometimes I go back and read the days I missed and they’re not appropriate for my journey.  The pages wrap around me like a soothing blanket; I know I’m not alone.

And, as I embarked on this journey I knew in my heart I could not do it alone. I set down my ego and opened up my heart.   The universe has messages and messengers for me to embrace.  I’m open and I’m ready.

And OMG did they come!….