I named this blog ‘divorce didn’t crush me’ as an optimistic gesture – an attempt to manifest a positive destiny from the ruins of heartbreak. I named it HOPING divorce wouldn’t crush me. I was wrong.
Turns out….divorce DOES crush you. Badly.
IT DECONSTRUCTS YOU…
It’s been almost 18 months since he left; four months since the trial and legal dissolution of our union. The process broke me, left me in pieces. No matter how hard I’ve tried to prevail and persevere – my thoughts and my actions are in retreat mode. Fight or flight – we’ll I’m in flight mode BIG TIME. Cortisol races through my veins with a vengeance – my heart palpates, my body aches, my eyes hurt from crying, my sinuses are swollen, my energy is depleted. I just want to crawl in a hole.
Except, I can’t run. I have children I need to support, a household I need to maintain, a business I need to run and a body (me) I need to nourish. Intention and will are allusive feelings. Mantras and positive thinking make me weep. Journaling and blogging are chores even thought I’m always ‘writing’ and ‘blogging’ in my mind.
My mind is my enemy. It won’t stop. It can’t stop. My thoughts are dangerous, scary. The well is deep and I want to plunge head first into it. Everything I have to do it solely up to me. I have no support, no family and no safety net. This is a SINGULAR journey – I’M FLYING SOLO. My friends love me, but have lives to live…they’re over this. They’ve moved on.
SO SHOULD I. BUT HOW?
I’m sick of the ‘one day at a time’ AND ‘it’s a process’ model, but it’s the truth. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in months, healed. Better. Alive. Happy. Healthy. Enegetic. Wanting to DO….anything.
Overcoming betrayal and the death of a dream I’ve nurtured for 20 years is harder than I expected. My marriage was so broken. It had to end.
But does it have to be the end of me?
The only choice I have is RECONSTRUCTION. Can I go any deeper – fall any harder?
Shit. Dear Lord, give me strength.