My Universe Showed Up and Protected Me – Divine Intervention Strikes Again –

I sat across from him two hours ago, resolute – I will not go back. I’ve come too far.  Too much has happened. I’ve moved beyond our relationship. I need and deserve more.

Now, I was questioning myself. My resolve was crumbling.

Dear God, is this a test?

It’s so much different being the abandoner versus the abandoned.  I’m no longer a victim. But am I in control?

Can he change?

Can I change?

Can we start over as strangers and create a different, new future? Can we dismiss the past and write a new story?…. A new love story…. Can I really turn away from this man with whom I’ve spent half my life???

The door was clearly cracked open. My heart was open.  I wasn’t ready to turn away.

I had an hour to kill.  I sat in a parking lot, waiting to pick up my daughter from dance, and I texted him twice, ‘good to see you tonight, just checking in…’ And ‘did you make it back to your apartment okay?’

SILENCE

My mind and heart were sparring….do or don’t?  Run and hide or embrace.

I had to talk to him.

I called his cell and it answered, but he didn’t know it. This was the reverse butt dial….the unknowing answer.  Our call was live and I was tuned into 15 minutes of his life without him knowing.  He just arrived to his apartment, and he was with HER, Michelle. My heart sank when I heard her voice.

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Staying In The Now – Jesus Called

It’s so hard to not panic and rehearse disaster when you’re going through divorce.  Looking into the future and considering every possible situation almost buried me alive! It’s beyond overwhelming.

When my husband moved out, I was reduced to a puddle and pile of rubble on the floor of my empty home. My children were on a church mission trip and I was LITERALLY all alone. I moaned and screamed with intense pain, not knowing if I would ever stand again.  Several sources of inspiration provoked me to read Jesus Calling.  Here is an excerpt from the passage for that day, June 10, 2015. The key message – stay in the NOW.

Divine Intervention

“REST IN ME, MY CHILD. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!

Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, every day.”

Excerpt From: Young, Sarah. “Jesus Calling.” Thomas Nelson, 2014-02-01. iBooks.

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I don’t read the devotional every day, but when I do it seems it’s written for me.  Sometimes I go back and read the days I missed and they’re not appropriate for my journey.  The pages wrap around me like a soothing blanket; I know I’m not alone.

And, as I embarked on this journey I knew in my heart I could not do it alone. I set down my ego and opened up my heart.   The universe has messages and messengers for me to embrace.  I’m open and I’m ready.

And OMG did they come!….

Blogging About Divorce – The Legal Gamble

Understandably, my attorney is concerned blogging about my journey may hurt me or my divorce case.  Blogging may pose a risk to my divorce case. She’s right. Can I be careful and authentic at the same time? YES! I am committed to keeping my accounts in my blog – about the journey; my feelings, experiences and enlightenment throughout the way. This journey is beyond painful….but I must take each step each day.  I must breathe and I must share.  Reaching out is cathartic and necessary.  I COULD NOT DO THIS ALONE!
Everyone thinks I am so successful and strong – I can handle anything.  I built a strong image, a fačade and this is a side of me I’ve never revealed.  It’s okay to be emotional, vulnerable, raw.  The world accepts me and my flaws.  My friends SHOWED UP, support and love me.  I am AMAZED and open every day to the newness of this journey.  Thank you for reading…this is my response to my dear attorney’s concerns. BTW I’m blessed to have her represent me. 🙂

To Blog or Not To Blog…

Thank you for your concern and counsel. As a public relations professional, I have considered your concerns carefully and completely agree with the risks associated with putting myself and my journey out there.  I’ve been journaling for the last two months and know I need to do this…for me and for others in my shoes.

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