Is It Ok To HATE????

It’s been 10 weeks since he left…walked out and rejected me. Rejected our 20 year life – our marriage, our future.

Every emotion available has surged and burned through my arteries.

Now – I’m in HATE.

I hate him for doing this; I hate him for rejecting me – our life – our future. I hate him for his cowardice – for not doing everything possible to fix our marriage. I hate him for his high and unfulfilled expectations – I always fell short in his book (never good enough). I hate him for the LAME divorce decree he sent to me; inadequate, thoughtless and incomplete. I hate him for suggesting I should sign it and we would be officially divorced by September 2!  SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I hate him for not considering OUR children.  I hate him for not working harder to reach out and be relevant in their lives. I hate him for betraying me – for CHEATING ON ME! I was completely faithful for 20 years! I hate him for all of our money issues – I hate him for blaming me FOR EVERYTHING.

I hate him for not missing me.

I JUST HATE HIM.Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.20.44 PM

And I hate myself for feeling HATE in my heart.

My head says, I should know better….

I just finished the Oprah/Deepak’s 21 Day Mediation Challenge all about GRACE & GRATITUDE. I’ve immersed myself in meditations like this:

Day 5 – Gratitude Awakens the True Self

“The road to happiness starts with a deep breath and an awareness of the many blessings tied to that single breath.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

We might think that to live in grace requires us to pursue a devout lifestyle and retreat from the world. However, we have learned that grace abides in all things, all places, and all times. If we go beyond our changing personalities to connect with our essential self, we contact this ever-present grace and can live this state of grace even in the everyday world.

Our true self is peaceful, but not inert. It is intelligent, powerful, and intimately involved in our every wish and dream. The true self has the creative power and intelligence to direct and manifest your life’s journey. When you step into and participate with life from this level, you are always grateful and find grace everywhere.

My notes from this Day 5 mediation were so uplifting – so POSITIVE:

  • Gratitude guides me to acceptance
  • Go deep to truth and tranquility
  • My true self knows the answers
  • It’s truthful
  • It’s authentic
  • My creative force
  • My true self awakens the universe as I dance freely
  • My true self is always grateful
  • It’s intense and real
  • I see grace abounding
  • The dancer brings new life
  • She’s silently aware
  • She’s constant
  • My true self is the source of grace
  • My true self is a goddess
  • My true self loves me
  • My true self is always grateful
  • My true self loves me

I’m reading Louise Hay and working to positively AFFIRM myself and my universe.

Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.33.14 PMScreen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.34.17 PM

My friend Leslie Green’s Love Trust & Pixie Dust posts inspire me:

Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.17.08 PM

I’m working every day to look at the POSITIVES and learnings in every experience –

BUT I HATE.

Of course I went to the internet to help….IT IS OKAY TO HATE? Am I just impatient with my journey?

Continue reading “Is It Ok To HATE????”

My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully

July 31, 2015

It’s been two months since he left me. Twenty of years of marriage and no real warning. I was completely ALONE and left to drown in a sea of agony and confusion. My face was swollen from continual sobbing.  I didn’t recognize myself. My body ached as though I had the flu. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t swallow. I didn’t want to move. Even my hair hurt. I felt like I was dying…a part of me was dying.

The pain persists but I’m crying less and coping better. My moments are more sporadic versus choking and constant. But I still hurt and these two months felt like an eternity. During this time…and for many years prior, my TRUE Self (the home of true love, truth and intention) patiently waited for me – grieved FOR ME.

My hurt is shifting – At first, I blamed myself…

I replayed every situation and decision that he said, drove him away. I questioned and berated myself:

  • I should have been a more attentive wife…
  • I should have made more meals….
  • I should have focused more on him versus my career…
  • I should have spent less money…
  • I should have taken better care of his needs – he was articulate. He asked me to go out of Friday nights.. 
  • I should have had more sex… he said he wanted me…
  • I should have done something about my libido – he asked me to take testosterone…
  • I should have worked out with him – he begged me to go to the gym with him…I had no energy…
  • I should have gotten out of bed!  I napped through so many opportunities to connect with my husband. But Why?

It seems, he can explicitly point to specific situations when I rejected him.  For me – it’s more illusive, more implicit.

My disengagement happened over time….no specific THING turned me away or turned me off.  It was a current – and undertow – not visible from the surface and dangerous to explore in depth. My love eroded gradually, like rocks on a hillside – slammed with salty water and waves of abuse day after day…year after year, I withdrew.

Continue reading “My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully”