Living The Lie – The Bill Is Due

How do I survive this financial devastation and overwhelming stress?

Family law is inadequate; if he gets what the law indicates, it will not be enough.  PERIOD. I’m not buried in debt, thank GOD, but do not earn enough to support my children, this house – OUR LIVES. He will live a great life – with little financial insecurity and responsiblity.  I will not and I am not.  I feel scared – actually terrified.  And, I feel like I have no right to complain. This is my fault.

I am not a fearful person – until now.

I made big money last year – and spent all of it; home remodeling, clothing, big vacations – STUPID STUFF. I never saved a dime.  I didn’t plan for this – I didn’t know I’d need the money.  I kept kicking the can down the road, denying the need to be financially fiscally responsible.

NOW I’M PAYING THE PRICE – literally.

He texted me, ‘I hope you find a rich man’.

How do I respond to that?

Spending made me feel better….it filled a hole.

I work for myself – so, no work, no pay.  Twice in the last four months, I DID NOT pay myself….the money wasn’t there. I’m surviving by a financial thread. My health insurance is through my (soon to be) ex-husband’s work and he’s about to cut me off.  My kids are teenagers are have basic needs and grew up in abundance. How do I draw the line?  Raising them is more than I can bear financially….I’m too proud to admit it.  I’ve never taught them how to really save, how to be thrifty – how to be financially responsible. I feel like I failed them….I did.

I’ve talked about it – but never demonstrated it. Now, I AM IN THE HOLE.

I was in the 1% of wage earners in this country – living the dream and LIVING THE LIE.

I’m on the brink of financial ruin. No one knows. It’s a charade. My net worth is laughable and not liquid. In the next year, I will I will need joint surgery and time to recover – but I can’t. I have no one to support me and cannot take the time off work and I cannot afford it. I am in a horrible position and I have one to blame but myself.

  • How do I afford health insurance?
  • How do I stay in my home, in my neighborhood – keep my kids lives stable?
  • How do I pay my bills?
  • How do I keep my head above water?
  • How do I stay in the game and not run and hide?

I’M A FRAUD….and the tab is due.

How do I fully address this lie – this charade – hold my head high and survive?

I want to run and hide….but I can’t. That’s not me.

Kirby

There Are NO Coincidences – Incoming Divine Moments (Part 1)

There are NO COINCIDENCES!

Everything happens for a reason. I’ve chronicled these ‘divine moments’ in an effort to honor them – and me.  My world showed up for me – and I’m fully available to it all.  I hope these accounts inspire you to tune in, be still, open up and reach out.

My mother-in-law – to answer or not to answer, what a dilemma!

After 20 years of marriage I can truly say, my mother-in-law hasn’t liked me for 19 of the years.  She’s the ultimate ‘church lady’.  Stout, white hair, piercing blue eyes, reads the bible daily and quotes scripture like a grocery list. She can talk about anything and is positioned as the ‘spiritual leader’ of the family.

I’ve seen her dark side. I know her to be judgmental, snarky, close-minded and cold. I’ve struggled for many years to live in the warm place in her heart – the place she shows nearly everyone else. I could never wiggle in.  She shut me out – and I did the same.  For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction – we were a dysfunction law of physics – and neither had the will or love to change the dance.

I NEVER answered whenever our caller ID indicated her number.

I’m not into small talk and she rarely showed interest in me or my life.  She liked to talk, and I didn’t want to listen. Her biblical platitudes wore me out…so I shut her out.

The night I received the text – I want to separate – from my husband, I was home alone. My kids, on a mission trip….my husband, somewhere over the Atlantic texting his intentions from 30K feet. I was in an emotional puddled; confused, scared and alone. OMG – after 20 years, my husband was leaving me!

P A N I C!!!

Continue reading “There Are NO Coincidences – Incoming Divine Moments (Part 1)”