Seeing him threw me into a whirlpool of confusion. He wanted to reconcile.
As I approached the table I was struck by the look on his face; he looked like the young man I met on a blind date – 20 years earlier. It was startling and I had to look away; his eyes were trying to draw me in- I know those eyes and what they say better than anyone. He looked eager, relieved, delighted.
His eyes absorbed me, swept over me in approval; he wanted me. He missed me. I knew his heart was racing. He tried to look calm…but in his heart, it was Christmas morning…and the prized package sat right across from him.
He watched my every move, reminders of what he left behind and evidence of what he wanted. I felt like he was taking mental inventory; oh, I like the way she orders food, drinks her water, relates to the wait staff. I tried to look calm, even aloof, put together. But I struggled.
I was in an emotional laboratory and every breath I took was under evaluation.
Some part of me relished these moments; months of rejection and neglect turned into heightened connection and attention. My heart contracted with conflict. Other parts of me recoiled at his confidence – how dare he own me with his eyes and activate his charms to reclaim me. My soul screamed… I’m not yours anymore!
After a few awkward moments and small talk, he bluntly admitted his flaws (selfish, immature, narcissistic, thoughtless). He told me he couldn’t stop thinking and dreaming about me. I was the answer to his prayers. He apologized for his reckless behavior. He went to church, prayed, said he needed counseling. He professed his love and admitted his loneliness ‘out there’. Life on the other side is hollow. The grass is not greener.
He said he broke ties with “Michelle” and he’s known her for years. I hid my shock at that confession but inside it took my breath away. He admitted their physical relationship started when I was abroad on a business trip, a year prior. I knew he was telling the truth- the corner of his mouth was crooked and eyes ashamed… I’ve seen that face before. He looked like a child, caught in a lie. He said it was over with her; he wanted to come home…to his family.
He said being with her was a big mistake. He had deep regrets.
I cautiously listened and struggled to believe. He admitted his “girlfriend” persuaded him to tell me he’d been with many women over the past year. She wanted cover and not to be seen as a home wrecker or suffer a potential deposition in our divorce proceedings; she’d been through that before. She didn’t know want to be cast as the other woman. She asked him to lie to me.
