I Can Forgive – But Cannot Go Back

Seeing him threw me into a whirlpool of confusion. He wanted to reconcile.

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As I approached the table I was struck by the look on his face; he looked like the young man I met on a blind date – 20 years earlier.  It was startling and I had to look away; his eyes were trying to draw me in- I know those eyes and what they say better than anyone. He looked eager, relieved, delighted.
His eyes absorbed me, swept over me in approval; he wanted me.  He missed me. I knew his heart was racing. He tried to look calm…but in his heart, it was Christmas morning…and the prized package sat right across from him.
He watched my every move, reminders of what he left behind and evidence of what he wanted. I felt like he was taking mental inventory; oh, I like the way she orders food, drinks her water, relates to the wait staff. I tried to look calm, even aloof, put together. But I struggled.

I was in an emotional laboratory and every breath I took was under evaluation.

Some part of me relished these moments; months of rejection and neglect turned into heightened connection and attention.  My heart contracted with conflict. Other parts of me recoiled at his confidence – how dare he own me with his eyes and activate his charms to reclaim me.  My soul screamed… I’m not yours anymore!
After a few awkward moments and small talk, he bluntly admitted his flaws (selfish, immature, narcissistic, thoughtless). He told me he couldn’t stop thinking and dreaming about me.  I was the answer to his prayers. He apologized for his reckless behavior. He went to church, prayed, said he needed counseling. He professed his love and admitted his loneliness ‘out there’.  Life on the other side is hollow. The grass is not greener.
He said he broke ties with “Michelle” and he’s known her for years. I hid my shock at that confession but inside it took my breath away. He admitted their physical relationship started when I was abroad on a business trip, a year prior. I knew he was telling the truth- the corner of his mouth was crooked and eyes ashamed… I’ve seen that face before. He looked like a child, caught in a lie. He said it was over with her; he wanted to come home…to his family.

He said being with her was a big mistake. He had deep regrets.

I cautiously listened and struggled to believe. He admitted his “girlfriend” persuaded him to tell me he’d been with many women over the past year.  She wanted cover and not to be seen as a home wrecker or suffer a potential deposition in our divorce proceedings; she’d been through that before. She didn’t know want to be cast as the other woman.  She asked him to lie to me.

He obliged her…and devastated me.

Continue reading “I Can Forgive – But Cannot Go Back”

It’s a Different World – Three Months Later

Three months ago today – he left me. Almost three weeks from now, we would celebrate our 20th Wedding Anniversary.

Last night he texted me…he wants me back. Tonight, we’re meeting at 7pm.

My life in a timeline…swinging on my emotional pendulum.  My uncertain, unpredictable life. This is where I live, and this is all I know:

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On Day 10 of Oprah & Deepaks ‘Miraculous Relationship’ 21-day Mediation Challenge, I was stunned .  Oprah’s words practically called me out by name.

“What you asked for from the world is exactly what you’re getting back.”

The law of attraction is an amazing thing.  If you’re not a believer, watch The Secret. For me….I believe in it! It’s no coincidence this is happening NOW. I attracted this. I’m strong, steady and feeling more ALIVE – he comes knocking, heart in hand. The universe is amazing…

“If you want fulfilling relationships, first you must be full yourself”.

He may think I’m the same woman he left behind – in the rubble and slush of our broken relationship.  I was crushed and agonizingly broken beyond belief.  Reparation was a pipe dream, but a dream, nonetheless.  Breathing was my first, daily goal. Survival was my mission.

And now, three months later – I’m so much MORE than what he left behind.  I’m steady, strong and worthy of so much more.  He can’t rock me. I am love.  I deserve love. I am more than enough.

My SOURCE provides me strength, comfort and resolve.

Taking steps backward would be a SIN of monumental proportion. Backward is not an option.

What an amazing turn of events….

Stay tuned.

Namaste.

Kirby

PS- as soon as I finished editing and posting this blog – my phone rang.  It was him, the EXACT SECOND I pressed ‘post’.  He hasn’t called me in two months. THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES…..

Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock

I’m in limbo.  No immediate drama, no rehearsing disaster, no catastrophic thinking…I just AM.  I’m not overjoyed, I’m not curled up in a ball of agony. I am alone and I just AM. I’m quiet and I’m learning that my story isn’t so special.  So many people experience this pain.  So many survive.  People either leave or are left behind.  They reject or are rejected.  Surviving is “a process” – the most common advice I hear.

So right now…I just AM in emotional limbo. THE WATER IS CALM AND I AM ALONE…NOT SURE WHERE THIS JOURNEY WILL TAKE ME.

BUT I ASK MYSELF – Am I making progress and healing if I’m not working and FEELING every day? Am I being honest in this journey?  Does it need my daily attention?

Perhaps a look back will help me appreciate where I am today…time to take stock.

Here’s my journal entry and text to my best friends and sister five weeks after my husband walked out. Here’s what they had to say. I know, I’ve come a long way…

Continue reading “Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock”

Is It Ok To HATE????

It’s been 10 weeks since he left…walked out and rejected me. Rejected our 20 year life – our marriage, our future.

Every emotion available has surged and burned through my arteries.

Now – I’m in HATE.

I hate him for doing this; I hate him for rejecting me – our life – our future. I hate him for his cowardice – for not doing everything possible to fix our marriage. I hate him for his high and unfulfilled expectations – I always fell short in his book (never good enough). I hate him for the LAME divorce decree he sent to me; inadequate, thoughtless and incomplete. I hate him for suggesting I should sign it and we would be officially divorced by September 2!  SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I hate him for not considering OUR children.  I hate him for not working harder to reach out and be relevant in their lives. I hate him for betraying me – for CHEATING ON ME! I was completely faithful for 20 years! I hate him for all of our money issues – I hate him for blaming me FOR EVERYTHING.

I hate him for not missing me.

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And I hate myself for feeling HATE in my heart.

My head says, I should know better….

I just finished the Oprah/Deepak’s 21 Day Mediation Challenge all about GRACE & GRATITUDE. I’ve immersed myself in meditations like this:

Day 5 – Gratitude Awakens the True Self

“The road to happiness starts with a deep breath and an awareness of the many blessings tied to that single breath.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

We might think that to live in grace requires us to pursue a devout lifestyle and retreat from the world. However, we have learned that grace abides in all things, all places, and all times. If we go beyond our changing personalities to connect with our essential self, we contact this ever-present grace and can live this state of grace even in the everyday world.

Our true self is peaceful, but not inert. It is intelligent, powerful, and intimately involved in our every wish and dream. The true self has the creative power and intelligence to direct and manifest your life’s journey. When you step into and participate with life from this level, you are always grateful and find grace everywhere.

My notes from this Day 5 mediation were so uplifting – so POSITIVE:

  • Gratitude guides me to acceptance
  • Go deep to truth and tranquility
  • My true self knows the answers
  • It’s truthful
  • It’s authentic
  • My creative force
  • My true self awakens the universe as I dance freely
  • My true self is always grateful
  • It’s intense and real
  • I see grace abounding
  • The dancer brings new life
  • She’s silently aware
  • She’s constant
  • My true self is the source of grace
  • My true self is a goddess
  • My true self loves me
  • My true self is always grateful
  • My true self loves me

I’m reading Louise Hay and working to positively AFFIRM myself and my universe.

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My friend Leslie Green’s Love Trust & Pixie Dust posts inspire me:

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I’m working every day to look at the POSITIVES and learnings in every experience –

BUT I HATE.

Of course I went to the internet to help….IT IS OKAY TO HATE? Am I just impatient with my journey?

Continue reading “Is It Ok To HATE????”

Sister Love – Another Divine Moment (Part 2)

The day after he texted ‘I want a separation’ I sat in a fast food restaurant parking lot sobbing. My kids were inside eating – I was outside in sitting my car crying and dying.

My life blew up –

everything I knew to be true was false; up was down, safe was threatened, love was hate and betrayal, coupled was abandoned and alone. I needed help.  I needed someone, someone to show me that I mattered.  I didn’t feel it, I didn’t believe it – I was no one. I didn’t matter – I was trash. I screamed to God for help just to get through another breathe.

Then my cell rang….my sister answered my prayer in my darkest hour.

Truly a divine moment.  It was the first of many more to come.

Over the following weeks, she was my rock…she held me up:Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 9.58.05 PM

A few weeks later, my son and I (my daughter was at camp for the month) went up north to see my sister and family  – really to get away from the bed I shared with my husband of 20 years.  Waking up alone was agonizing.  Going to sleep without him by my side was heart wrenching. I needed a break. I needed to feel loved. I needed to get away from what I thought was the safety of my HOME.

I was worried about the trip but knew I needed a break…she reassured me:

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During my retreat from my now un-safe place called ‘home’, I focused on journaling, praying, reading and sleeping. In between all of that I’d well up with tears or sob at any given moment. I was so unsteady, so frail and so broken. And – I was open to all and any message around me.  My soul was begging for signs and symbols of reassurance…a life line…a thread.  I needed something to hold on to because I was an emotional blob of gunk.

Continue reading “Sister Love – Another Divine Moment (Part 2)”

There Are NO Coincidences – Incoming Divine Moments (Part 1)

There are NO COINCIDENCES!

Everything happens for a reason. I’ve chronicled these ‘divine moments’ in an effort to honor them – and me.  My world showed up for me – and I’m fully available to it all.  I hope these accounts inspire you to tune in, be still, open up and reach out.

My mother-in-law – to answer or not to answer, what a dilemma!

After 20 years of marriage I can truly say, my mother-in-law hasn’t liked me for 19 of the years.  She’s the ultimate ‘church lady’.  Stout, white hair, piercing blue eyes, reads the bible daily and quotes scripture like a grocery list. She can talk about anything and is positioned as the ‘spiritual leader’ of the family.

I’ve seen her dark side. I know her to be judgmental, snarky, close-minded and cold. I’ve struggled for many years to live in the warm place in her heart – the place she shows nearly everyone else. I could never wiggle in.  She shut me out – and I did the same.  For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction – we were a dysfunction law of physics – and neither had the will or love to change the dance.

I NEVER answered whenever our caller ID indicated her number.

I’m not into small talk and she rarely showed interest in me or my life.  She liked to talk, and I didn’t want to listen. Her biblical platitudes wore me out…so I shut her out.

The night I received the text – I want to separate – from my husband, I was home alone. My kids, on a mission trip….my husband, somewhere over the Atlantic texting his intentions from 30K feet. I was in an emotional puddled; confused, scared and alone. OMG – after 20 years, my husband was leaving me!

P A N I C!!!

Continue reading “There Are NO Coincidences – Incoming Divine Moments (Part 1)”

My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully

July 31, 2015

It’s been two months since he left me. Twenty of years of marriage and no real warning. I was completely ALONE and left to drown in a sea of agony and confusion. My face was swollen from continual sobbing.  I didn’t recognize myself. My body ached as though I had the flu. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t swallow. I didn’t want to move. Even my hair hurt. I felt like I was dying…a part of me was dying.

The pain persists but I’m crying less and coping better. My moments are more sporadic versus choking and constant. But I still hurt and these two months felt like an eternity. During this time…and for many years prior, my TRUE Self (the home of true love, truth and intention) patiently waited for me – grieved FOR ME.

My hurt is shifting – At first, I blamed myself…

I replayed every situation and decision that he said, drove him away. I questioned and berated myself:

  • I should have been a more attentive wife…
  • I should have made more meals….
  • I should have focused more on him versus my career…
  • I should have spent less money…
  • I should have taken better care of his needs – he was articulate. He asked me to go out of Friday nights.. 
  • I should have had more sex… he said he wanted me…
  • I should have done something about my libido – he asked me to take testosterone…
  • I should have worked out with him – he begged me to go to the gym with him…I had no energy…
  • I should have gotten out of bed!  I napped through so many opportunities to connect with my husband. But Why?

It seems, he can explicitly point to specific situations when I rejected him.  For me – it’s more illusive, more implicit.

My disengagement happened over time….no specific THING turned me away or turned me off.  It was a current – and undertow – not visible from the surface and dangerous to explore in depth. My love eroded gradually, like rocks on a hillside – slammed with salty water and waves of abuse day after day…year after year, I withdrew.

Continue reading “My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully”