Is It Ok To HATE????

It’s been 10 weeks since he left…walked out and rejected me. Rejected our 20 year life – our marriage, our future.

Every emotion available has surged and burned through my arteries.

Now – I’m in HATE.

I hate him for doing this; I hate him for rejecting me – our life – our future. I hate him for his cowardice – for not doing everything possible to fix our marriage. I hate him for his high and unfulfilled expectations – I always fell short in his book (never good enough). I hate him for the LAME divorce decree he sent to me; inadequate, thoughtless and incomplete. I hate him for suggesting I should sign it and we would be officially divorced by September 2!  SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I hate him for not considering OUR children.  I hate him for not working harder to reach out and be relevant in their lives. I hate him for betraying me – for CHEATING ON ME! I was completely faithful for 20 years! I hate him for all of our money issues – I hate him for blaming me FOR EVERYTHING.

I hate him for not missing me.

I JUST HATE HIM.Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.20.44 PM

And I hate myself for feeling HATE in my heart.

My head says, I should know better….

I just finished the Oprah/Deepak’s 21 Day Mediation Challenge all about GRACE & GRATITUDE. I’ve immersed myself in meditations like this:

Day 5 – Gratitude Awakens the True Self

“The road to happiness starts with a deep breath and an awareness of the many blessings tied to that single breath.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

We might think that to live in grace requires us to pursue a devout lifestyle and retreat from the world. However, we have learned that grace abides in all things, all places, and all times. If we go beyond our changing personalities to connect with our essential self, we contact this ever-present grace and can live this state of grace even in the everyday world.

Our true self is peaceful, but not inert. It is intelligent, powerful, and intimately involved in our every wish and dream. The true self has the creative power and intelligence to direct and manifest your life’s journey. When you step into and participate with life from this level, you are always grateful and find grace everywhere.

My notes from this Day 5 mediation were so uplifting – so POSITIVE:

  • Gratitude guides me to acceptance
  • Go deep to truth and tranquility
  • My true self knows the answers
  • It’s truthful
  • It’s authentic
  • My creative force
  • My true self awakens the universe as I dance freely
  • My true self is always grateful
  • It’s intense and real
  • I see grace abounding
  • The dancer brings new life
  • She’s silently aware
  • She’s constant
  • My true self is the source of grace
  • My true self is a goddess
  • My true self loves me
  • My true self is always grateful
  • My true self loves me

I’m reading Louise Hay and working to positively AFFIRM myself and my universe.

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My friend Leslie Green’s Love Trust & Pixie Dust posts inspire me:

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I’m working every day to look at the POSITIVES and learnings in every experience –

BUT I HATE.

Of course I went to the internet to help….IT IS OKAY TO HATE? Am I just impatient with my journey?

Continue reading “Is It Ok To HATE????”

Rejection, STD’s and Emotional Rape

July 7, 2015,

Did my cheating husband give me STD’s?  I had to find out – but didn’t know the process would be akin to emotional rape.  My story – graphic, painful and unfortunately, TRUE.

Please be warned – this is a hard story to share – and to read.

I waited several weeks to post this story due to it’s graphic nature. However, it’s a story that must be shared…the ultimate expression of my vulnerability.

Dear Husband…Let me tell you a bedtime story…..and I’ll write in 3rd person as it’s too painful to think THIS HAPPENED TO ME.

There was a woman named Kirby who was betrayed in the most intimate way… By day, her seemingly devoted husband made her meals, bought her jewelry… And by night he fucked around.

By day he’d send loving texts saying I want to cuddle with you…and by night he’d get so drunk, he’d lose track of time and stumble in at sunrise after ‘they were just distractions’ sex with random women.

Ernest Hemmingway…hemmingway cheating quote

Kirby didn’t suspect- she was facing her mistrust and working to let go of past marital violations… The wounds were still there… And triggered by his time lapse nights out.

Deep down she was depressed.  She knew something was wrong. Her emotions exhausted her… The distrust drained her.  The pressure to accept his behavior left her feeling powerless.

All she wanted to go to as sleep.  Sleep helped her escape.

Fast forward to last Thursday…July 1, 2015

Continue reading “Rejection, STD’s and Emotional Rape”