Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock

I’m in limbo.  No immediate drama, no rehearsing disaster, no catastrophic thinking…I just AM.  I’m not overjoyed, I’m not curled up in a ball of agony. I am alone and I just AM. I’m quiet and I’m learning that my story isn’t so special.  So many people experience this pain.  So many survive.  People either leave or are left behind.  They reject or are rejected.  Surviving is “a process” – the most common advice I hear.

So right now…I just AM in emotional limbo. THE WATER IS CALM AND I AM ALONE…NOT SURE WHERE THIS JOURNEY WILL TAKE ME.

BUT I ASK MYSELF – Am I making progress and healing if I’m not working and FEELING every day? Am I being honest in this journey?  Does it need my daily attention?

Perhaps a look back will help me appreciate where I am today…time to take stock.

Here’s my journal entry and text to my best friends and sister five weeks after my husband walked out. Here’s what they had to say. I know, I’ve come a long way…

Continue reading “Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock”

Is It Ok To HATE????

It’s been 10 weeks since he left…walked out and rejected me. Rejected our 20 year life – our marriage, our future.

Every emotion available has surged and burned through my arteries.

Now – I’m in HATE.

I hate him for doing this; I hate him for rejecting me – our life – our future. I hate him for his cowardice – for not doing everything possible to fix our marriage. I hate him for his high and unfulfilled expectations – I always fell short in his book (never good enough). I hate him for the LAME divorce decree he sent to me; inadequate, thoughtless and incomplete. I hate him for suggesting I should sign it and we would be officially divorced by September 2!  SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I hate him for not considering OUR children.  I hate him for not working harder to reach out and be relevant in their lives. I hate him for betraying me – for CHEATING ON ME! I was completely faithful for 20 years! I hate him for all of our money issues – I hate him for blaming me FOR EVERYTHING.

I hate him for not missing me.

I JUST HATE HIM.Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.20.44 PM

And I hate myself for feeling HATE in my heart.

My head says, I should know better….

I just finished the Oprah/Deepak’s 21 Day Mediation Challenge all about GRACE & GRATITUDE. I’ve immersed myself in meditations like this:

Day 5 – Gratitude Awakens the True Self

“The road to happiness starts with a deep breath and an awareness of the many blessings tied to that single breath.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

We might think that to live in grace requires us to pursue a devout lifestyle and retreat from the world. However, we have learned that grace abides in all things, all places, and all times. If we go beyond our changing personalities to connect with our essential self, we contact this ever-present grace and can live this state of grace even in the everyday world.

Our true self is peaceful, but not inert. It is intelligent, powerful, and intimately involved in our every wish and dream. The true self has the creative power and intelligence to direct and manifest your life’s journey. When you step into and participate with life from this level, you are always grateful and find grace everywhere.

My notes from this Day 5 mediation were so uplifting – so POSITIVE:

  • Gratitude guides me to acceptance
  • Go deep to truth and tranquility
  • My true self knows the answers
  • It’s truthful
  • It’s authentic
  • My creative force
  • My true self awakens the universe as I dance freely
  • My true self is always grateful
  • It’s intense and real
  • I see grace abounding
  • The dancer brings new life
  • She’s silently aware
  • She’s constant
  • My true self is the source of grace
  • My true self is a goddess
  • My true self loves me
  • My true self is always grateful
  • My true self loves me

I’m reading Louise Hay and working to positively AFFIRM myself and my universe.

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My friend Leslie Green’s Love Trust & Pixie Dust posts inspire me:

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I’m working every day to look at the POSITIVES and learnings in every experience –

BUT I HATE.

Of course I went to the internet to help….IT IS OKAY TO HATE? Am I just impatient with my journey?

Continue reading “Is It Ok To HATE????”

Online Dating – Expect the Unexpected

For years, my husband begged me to go out with him on Friday and Saturday nights.  I resisted; either too tired or didn’t like ‘his’ crowd.  I’m not much of a drinker and they are heavy weights – sitting on the sideline sober having meaningless conversation is not my idea of fun. So – my husband went out alone, often. He came home very late, often.  He was off the radar, often. Who’s to blame.  It really doesn’t matter now.

To date or not to date….?

In an effort to keep myself busy and get positive feedback from men about myself, I joined Match.com.  OMG, what an adventure.  This is totally new for me as I’ve been OFF THE MARKET for 20 years and COMPLETELY FAITHFUL!

All the winks, like and favorites got my head spinning!  Some of it is fun and most downright scary!  My single girlfriends have the ‘match-thing’ down to a science, with articles, notes and all.  Am I too old for this?

Two crazy things happened that were great lessons for me…

1) my husband responded to my profile and

2) I fell in love in three days (well not really but my heart fluttered…)

Continue reading “Online Dating – Expect the Unexpected”

The Pain of Separation Seems Insurmountable – 10 Steps to Survive

Thursday, July 29, 2015

I didn’t get out of bed on Monday (fitbit said I walked less than 400 steps – bathroom breaks).  Not a great way to start the week.  I needed a mental health day and I work for myself – so I could take it. Curtains drawn, covers over my head, jammies on – 18 hours of sleep.

I had NO motivation at all.  Just exhausted.  It’s amazing how your emotional state can impact your physical self.

Depression just sucks

According to Radar Online (perhaps not the most reliable source), Robin Williams was sleeping 18 hours a day before he committed suicide. I believe it. I don’t know how people get through such deep depression and agony from separation, but they do; all the time. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in six months feeling better.

I’m eight weeks into this ‘experience’.  (I’ve decided not to call it a nightmare any more – the negative language must go and ‘experience’ is benign enough.) For 8 weeks I’ve walked around like a zombie; crying, reading, sleeping, meditating, going to therapy, praying and sending S.O.S signals to my wonderful support group of friends via texts, emails and phone calls.

I’ve learned valuable lessons about shock, grief and coping with the agony of separation, abandonment and rejection.  This is an emotional earthquake of epic proportion. Maybe my journey can help you…

Continue reading “The Pain of Separation Seems Insurmountable – 10 Steps to Survive”