In Divorce – there are no winners. Only LOSERS.

Screen Shot 2016-07-05 at 1.14.58 PMTen months of lawyers, letters, texts and threats.

Ten months of dreams, nightmares, grief and reckoning…trying to find a solution to an unsolvable problem….how to divide our estate – what is EQUITABLE? Mediation, cooperation, negotiation, calculation, contemplation, anticipation – culminating in 6 hours of divorce court/trial and tens of thousands in legal fees – AND BOTH OF US LEFT LOSERS.  Except the lawyers.

I promised myself I’d keep it all business, not extraneous or chatty.  My lawyer conversations would be on point, mission driven, efficient – I’d always be prepared and strategic. What a joke.

When Jessica, my lawyer, walked into the courtroom with her legal eagle and intern in tow, wheeling a dolly of boxes labeled ‘discovery’ from the last year of my case – I knew I failed miserably.  I knew those boxes were filled with thousand of pages equaling thousands of dollars – that would never be in my pocket.

When it was over, I thought I’d feel relief – that’s what everyone promised me!  But I didn’t.  I just felt despair, deep loss and more grief.  Divorce is a long marathon, a roller coaster ride – filled with injuries and unexpected turns.  Just when you thought you reached the apex, screamed your lungs out – went to the depth of the coaster at warp speed and lost your breath and perhaps consciousness as a result – you realize the ride is just beginning. There are no 12 steps to this process – or five stages of grief.  There are thousands of steps, turns, dips and leaps – all coming at you without notice.  The journey is unyielding and unmerciful.

All you can do is hold on….and breathe or gasp for air.

Continue reading “In Divorce – there are no winners. Only LOSERS.”

Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock

I’m in limbo.  No immediate drama, no rehearsing disaster, no catastrophic thinking…I just AM.  I’m not overjoyed, I’m not curled up in a ball of agony. I am alone and I just AM. I’m quiet and I’m learning that my story isn’t so special.  So many people experience this pain.  So many survive.  People either leave or are left behind.  They reject or are rejected.  Surviving is “a process” – the most common advice I hear.

So right now…I just AM in emotional limbo. THE WATER IS CALM AND I AM ALONE…NOT SURE WHERE THIS JOURNEY WILL TAKE ME.

BUT I ASK MYSELF – Am I making progress and healing if I’m not working and FEELING every day? Am I being honest in this journey?  Does it need my daily attention?

Perhaps a look back will help me appreciate where I am today…time to take stock.

Here’s my journal entry and text to my best friends and sister five weeks after my husband walked out. Here’s what they had to say. I know, I’ve come a long way…

Continue reading “Stuck in Emotional Limbo – Take Stock”