The day after he texted ‘I want a separation’ I sat in a fast food restaurant parking lot sobbing. My kids were inside eating – I was outside in sitting my car crying and dying.
My life blew up –
everything I knew to be true was false; up was down, safe was threatened, love was hate and betrayal, coupled was abandoned and alone. I needed help. I needed someone, someone to show me that I mattered. I didn’t feel it, I didn’t believe it – I was no one. I didn’t matter – I was trash. I screamed to God for help just to get through another breathe.
Then my cell rang….my sister answered my prayer in my darkest hour.
Truly a divine moment. It was the first of many more to come.
A few weeks later, my son and I (my daughter was at camp for the month) went up north to see my sister and family – really to get away from the bed I shared with my husband of 20 years. Waking up alone was agonizing. Going to sleep without him by my side was heart wrenching. I needed a break. I needed to feel loved. I needed to get away from what I thought was the safety of my HOME.
I was worried about the trip but knew I needed a break…she reassured me:
During my retreat from my now un-safe place called ‘home’, I focused on journaling, praying, reading and sleeping. In between all of that I’d well up with tears or sob at any given moment. I was so unsteady, so frail and so broken. And – I was open to all and any message around me. My soul was begging for signs and symbols of reassurance…a life line…a thread. I needed something to hold on to because I was an emotional blob of gunk.