Sister Love – Another Divine Moment (Part 2)

The day after he texted ‘I want a separation’ I sat in a fast food restaurant parking lot sobbing. My kids were inside eating – I was outside in sitting my car crying and dying.

My life blew up –

everything I knew to be true was false; up was down, safe was threatened, love was hate and betrayal, coupled was abandoned and alone. I needed help.  I needed someone, someone to show me that I mattered.  I didn’t feel it, I didn’t believe it – I was no one. I didn’t matter – I was trash. I screamed to God for help just to get through another breathe.

Then my cell rang….my sister answered my prayer in my darkest hour.

Truly a divine moment.  It was the first of many more to come.

Over the following weeks, she was my rock…she held me up:Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 9.58.05 PM

A few weeks later, my son and I (my daughter was at camp for the month) went up north to see my sister and family  – really to get away from the bed I shared with my husband of 20 years.  Waking up alone was agonizing.  Going to sleep without him by my side was heart wrenching. I needed a break. I needed to feel loved. I needed to get away from what I thought was the safety of my HOME.

I was worried about the trip but knew I needed a break…she reassured me:

Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 7.34.18 PM

During my retreat from my now un-safe place called ‘home’, I focused on journaling, praying, reading and sleeping. In between all of that I’d well up with tears or sob at any given moment. I was so unsteady, so frail and so broken. And – I was open to all and any message around me.  My soul was begging for signs and symbols of reassurance…a life line…a thread.  I needed something to hold on to because I was an emotional blob of gunk.

Continue reading “Sister Love – Another Divine Moment (Part 2)”

There Are NO Coincidences – Incoming Divine Moments (Part 1)

There are NO COINCIDENCES!

Everything happens for a reason. I’ve chronicled these ‘divine moments’ in an effort to honor them – and me.  My world showed up for me – and I’m fully available to it all.  I hope these accounts inspire you to tune in, be still, open up and reach out.

My mother-in-law – to answer or not to answer, what a dilemma!

After 20 years of marriage I can truly say, my mother-in-law hasn’t liked me for 19 of the years.  She’s the ultimate ‘church lady’.  Stout, white hair, piercing blue eyes, reads the bible daily and quotes scripture like a grocery list. She can talk about anything and is positioned as the ‘spiritual leader’ of the family.

I’ve seen her dark side. I know her to be judgmental, snarky, close-minded and cold. I’ve struggled for many years to live in the warm place in her heart – the place she shows nearly everyone else. I could never wiggle in.  She shut me out – and I did the same.  For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction – we were a dysfunction law of physics – and neither had the will or love to change the dance.

I NEVER answered whenever our caller ID indicated her number.

I’m not into small talk and she rarely showed interest in me or my life.  She liked to talk, and I didn’t want to listen. Her biblical platitudes wore me out…so I shut her out.

The night I received the text – I want to separate – from my husband, I was home alone. My kids, on a mission trip….my husband, somewhere over the Atlantic texting his intentions from 30K feet. I was in an emotional puddled; confused, scared and alone. OMG – after 20 years, my husband was leaving me!

P A N I C!!!

Continue reading “There Are NO Coincidences – Incoming Divine Moments (Part 1)”

My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully

July 31, 2015

It’s been two months since he left me. Twenty of years of marriage and no real warning. I was completely ALONE and left to drown in a sea of agony and confusion. My face was swollen from continual sobbing.  I didn’t recognize myself. My body ached as though I had the flu. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t swallow. I didn’t want to move. Even my hair hurt. I felt like I was dying…a part of me was dying.

The pain persists but I’m crying less and coping better. My moments are more sporadic versus choking and constant. But I still hurt and these two months felt like an eternity. During this time…and for many years prior, my TRUE Self (the home of true love, truth and intention) patiently waited for me – grieved FOR ME.

My hurt is shifting – At first, I blamed myself…

I replayed every situation and decision that he said, drove him away. I questioned and berated myself:

  • I should have been a more attentive wife…
  • I should have made more meals….
  • I should have focused more on him versus my career…
  • I should have spent less money…
  • I should have taken better care of his needs – he was articulate. He asked me to go out of Friday nights.. 
  • I should have had more sex… he said he wanted me…
  • I should have done something about my libido – he asked me to take testosterone…
  • I should have worked out with him – he begged me to go to the gym with him…I had no energy…
  • I should have gotten out of bed!  I napped through so many opportunities to connect with my husband. But Why?

It seems, he can explicitly point to specific situations when I rejected him.  For me – it’s more illusive, more implicit.

My disengagement happened over time….no specific THING turned me away or turned me off.  It was a current – and undertow – not visible from the surface and dangerous to explore in depth. My love eroded gradually, like rocks on a hillside – slammed with salty water and waves of abuse day after day…year after year, I withdrew.

Continue reading “My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully”

The Pain of Separation Seems Insurmountable – 10 Steps to Survive

Thursday, July 29, 2015

I didn’t get out of bed on Monday (fitbit said I walked less than 400 steps – bathroom breaks).  Not a great way to start the week.  I needed a mental health day and I work for myself – so I could take it. Curtains drawn, covers over my head, jammies on – 18 hours of sleep.

I had NO motivation at all.  Just exhausted.  It’s amazing how your emotional state can impact your physical self.

Depression just sucks

According to Radar Online (perhaps not the most reliable source), Robin Williams was sleeping 18 hours a day before he committed suicide. I believe it. I don’t know how people get through such deep depression and agony from separation, but they do; all the time. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in six months feeling better.

I’m eight weeks into this ‘experience’.  (I’ve decided not to call it a nightmare any more – the negative language must go and ‘experience’ is benign enough.) For 8 weeks I’ve walked around like a zombie; crying, reading, sleeping, meditating, going to therapy, praying and sending S.O.S signals to my wonderful support group of friends via texts, emails and phone calls.

I’ve learned valuable lessons about shock, grief and coping with the agony of separation, abandonment and rejection.  This is an emotional earthquake of epic proportion. Maybe my journey can help you…

Continue reading “The Pain of Separation Seems Insurmountable – 10 Steps to Survive”