My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully

July 31, 2015

It’s been two months since he left me. Twenty of years of marriage and no real warning. I was completely ALONE and left to drown in a sea of agony and confusion. My face was swollen from continual sobbing.  I didn’t recognize myself. My body ached as though I had the flu. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t swallow. I didn’t want to move. Even my hair hurt. I felt like I was dying…a part of me was dying.

The pain persists but I’m crying less and coping better. My moments are more sporadic versus choking and constant. But I still hurt and these two months felt like an eternity. During this time…and for many years prior, my TRUE Self (the home of true love, truth and intention) patiently waited for me – grieved FOR ME.

My hurt is shifting – At first, I blamed myself…

I replayed every situation and decision that he said, drove him away. I questioned and berated myself:

  • I should have been a more attentive wife…
  • I should have made more meals….
  • I should have focused more on him versus my career…
  • I should have spent less money…
  • I should have taken better care of his needs – he was articulate. He asked me to go out of Friday nights.. 
  • I should have had more sex… he said he wanted me…
  • I should have done something about my libido – he asked me to take testosterone…
  • I should have worked out with him – he begged me to go to the gym with him…I had no energy…
  • I should have gotten out of bed!  I napped through so many opportunities to connect with my husband. But Why?

It seems, he can explicitly point to specific situations when I rejected him.  For me – it’s more illusive, more implicit.

My disengagement happened over time….no specific THING turned me away or turned me off.  It was a current – and undertow – not visible from the surface and dangerous to explore in depth. My love eroded gradually, like rocks on a hillside – slammed with salty water and waves of abuse day after day…year after year, I withdrew.

Continue reading “My True Self Waited For Me – Patiently & Painfully”

Staying In The Now – Jesus Called

It’s so hard to not panic and rehearse disaster when you’re going through divorce.  Looking into the future and considering every possible situation almost buried me alive! It’s beyond overwhelming.

When my husband moved out, I was reduced to a puddle and pile of rubble on the floor of my empty home. My children were on a church mission trip and I was LITERALLY all alone. I moaned and screamed with intense pain, not knowing if I would ever stand again.  Several sources of inspiration provoked me to read Jesus Calling.  Here is an excerpt from the passage for that day, June 10, 2015. The key message – stay in the NOW.

Divine Intervention

“REST IN ME, MY CHILD. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don’t even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child!

Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, every day.”

Excerpt From: Young, Sarah. “Jesus Calling.” Thomas Nelson, 2014-02-01. iBooks.

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I don’t read the devotional every day, but when I do it seems it’s written for me.  Sometimes I go back and read the days I missed and they’re not appropriate for my journey.  The pages wrap around me like a soothing blanket; I know I’m not alone.

And, as I embarked on this journey I knew in my heart I could not do it alone. I set down my ego and opened up my heart.   The universe has messages and messengers for me to embrace.  I’m open and I’m ready.

And OMG did they come!….