I Am Broken…Deconstructed.

I named this blog ‘divorce didn’t crush me’ as an optimistic gesture – an attempt to manifest a positive destiny from the ruins of heartbreak.  I named it HOPING divorce wouldn’t crush me.  I was wrong.

Turns out….divorce DOES crush you.  Badly. 

IT DECONSTRUCTS YOU…screen-shot-2016-11-19-at-11-13-48-am

It’s been almost 18 months since he left; four months since the trial and legal dissolution of our union.  The process broke me, left me in pieces. No matter how hard I’ve tried to prevail and persevere – my thoughts and my actions are in retreat mode.  Fight or flight – we’ll I’m in flight mode BIG TIME. Cortisol races through my veins with a vengeance – my heart palpates, my body aches, my eyes hurt from crying, my sinuses are swollen, my energy is depleted. I just want to crawl in a hole.

Except, I can’t run.  I have children I need to support, a household I need to maintain, a business I need to run and a body (me) I need to nourish.  Intention and will are allusive feelings.  Mantras and positive thinking make me weep. Journaling and blogging are chores even thought I’m always ‘writing’ and ‘blogging’ in my mind.

My mind is my enemy.  It won’t stop.  It can’t stop. My thoughts are dangerous, scary.  The well is deep and I want to plunge head first into it.  Everything I have to do it solely up to me.  I have no support, no family and no safety net. This is a SINGULAR journey – I’M FLYING SOLO. My friends love me, but have lives to live…they’re over this.  They’ve moved on.

SO SHOULD I.  BUT HOW?

I’m sick of the ‘one day at a time’ AND ‘it’s a process’ model, but it’s the truth. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in  months, healed.  Better.  Alive.  Happy. Healthy. Enegetic.  Wanting to DO….anything.

Overcoming betrayal and the death of a dream I’ve nurtured for 20 years is harder than I expected.  My marriage was so broken. It had to end.

But does it have to be the end of me?

The only choice I have is RECONSTRUCTION. Can I go any deeper – fall any harder?

Shit. Dear Lord, give me strength.

Namaste.

Kirby.

5 thoughts on “I Am Broken…Deconstructed.

  1. I understand where you are coming from. I am divorced now for 1 year but it took 19 months for it to be final, he dragged his feet. We women are strong! You got this far, you will make it farther. Ask for help, that’s what family and friends are there for. Take care of yourself, get rest, eat as well as you can and try to take some time for yourself when ever you can. I know your plat is full but make room if you have to. If you would like to talk, I am a good listener. Hope you have a great holiday with your family.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to Jenna Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s