Life Isn’t Fair – Get The Fuck Over It!

What is FAIR anyway?  Every person views FAIR through their own life experience – their subjective view of reality; therefore FAIR is SUBJECTIVE. Some people believe Fox News reports Fairly and Accurately – other’s believe Fox is a Right Winged Political Instrument – a puppet and Rupert Murdock is the Puppet Master.

Who knows what’s really FAIR?  NO ONE!

It’s not FAIR he left me and the kids, abandoned us, after 20 years of marriage. It’s not FAIR he hasn’t spent more than 100 minutes with his kids since his exodus. It’s not FAIR that he cheated so many times and I’ve been FAITHFUL for 20 years.  It’s not FAIR that he promised me we’d grow old together – and actually SEE the light at the end of the parenting tunnel.  It’s not FAIR that I am pressured to completely change our lifestyle and priorities at this stage in the life journey.  It’s not FAIR that he has NO accountability as a parent, no schedule, no obligations and NO PRESSURE to manage/nurture the day to day scholastic, emotional, physical, spiritual, nutritional, social and monetary needs of our teenagers. It’s not FAIR that he can run his life and his business without childcare considerations – who’s going to watch our kids?!

What the FUCK!?!?!

Our house is breaking down; the lawn is dying, the irrigation system is leaking, the AC unit needs to be replaced, the front door lock is broken and falling off, the sink is clogged, the toilet is running and our Magnolia Tree is dying….IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!

Ironically, he thinks having to pay our mortgage (four months after his clunky departure) and utilities, isn’t fair.

His lawyer sent a draft dissolution agreement in July that simply WASN’T FAIR.  It excluded any mention of college and our children’s extracurricular activities.  The child support allowance was, below-the-poverty-line and laughable.  The proposal was reckless.  My attorney categorized it like this:

“If this is the divorce agreement – it’s your worst day in court.”

I randomly googled – What is FAIR?

As in previous posts, I was struck between the eyes – THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES – This article from Psychology Today popped up FIRST.

A few excerpts spoke directly to me and perhaps will to you too:

In divorce, so much is unfair. You can be married for twenty years, and then all of a sudden your wife no longer wants a future with you. “What did I do?” You may ask. She replies that, “you just don’t get it” and she then goes on to tell you that she “deserves” some happiness. Why didn’t she tell you ten years ago, so you could at least have started a new life at forty rather than at fifty? Not fair.

Seriously – was that written for me?  And this…

The real problem is that when things don’t work out in a way that is “fair” unhappy people can feel desperately bitter—holding onto their hurt and anger for years. We all know folks who somehow never get over their hurt, whether it’s from a divorce or from another injustice. They seem to hold onto to their injuries as a badge of their victimization.

Consider this. Even if you’ve been badly treated, as in a terrible marriage, an abuse situation or a financial scandal, holding on to your outrage forever defines you by that hurt and not by the blessing of whatever time you have left on this planet going forward. Even if you are unfortunate enough to be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), you are not the hurt that you suffered, and should not be identified as such(link is external). You are a living being with dignity and a life of value. Even with a biologically based PTSD, remember that you are a person suffering from PTSD and not just a diagnosis.  Not everything that happens in life is good, but there is a way forward. You have to grieve your loss (which may be financial, physical or perhaps the loss of your innocence) to the best of your ability, deal with reality and embrace life. Fair can be an unfortunate four letter word; a way to get stuck in the past, to the detriment of everyone around you.

I feel bitter.  I feel like a victim and I hate it. I must summon my inner warrior – if I can only get out of bed long enough to wake her up.

So I made a list – I’ll check items off.  I’ll eat this elephant one bite at a time.  I’ll look over his new agreement which clearly states – we are so far apart, a trial date is in order, and breathe deeply.  I must stay calm, care for myself and not attach to any single outcome.  I will be okay.  I am okay.

I CANNOT REHEARSE DISASTER. I must accept WHAT IS and lean into my pain, my fear, my anger. 

This is my life lesson to embrace.  I’m bloodied, bruised and beaten.  But I’m breathing too. I’ll get up.  Some days better than others.  I’m in the ring – I’m vulnerable, raw and real.

And – it could be worse. I have a career, I have healthy, wonderful and loving kids, I have love and support in my life. I am enough.

I’m thankful for Brené Brown’s new book – RISING STRONG.

I’m highlighting/reading it and listening to the audio book. She says courage and comfort are mutually exclusive experiences.    Being courageous means being uncomfortable!

If I am brave enough often enough, I will fall – that is the physics of vulnerability. I will fail and I’m still in. I must embrace the fall, the fail – being vulnerable.

Here’s are some of my notes from her book (I’ve turned them into affirmations):

1.  Once we fall in the service of being brave, I can never go back.  Courage transforms the emotional structure of my being.  I may be homesick for simplicity and comfort – but I cannot go back.  I am newly aware and brave. No more faking it.  I must show up.  I cannot hide. I have a sense of purpose. Risk, falling and failure is an inescapable part of Rising Strong.
2. This is my journey but I need help.  I cannot go it alone.  I must make my own way and know my experiences are shared by others.  I feel alone but know I am not.  I have support and love around me.  My fellow travelers – my network of angels.
3. I am wired for story- I am sharing this story of struggle because it makes me feel connected, brave and alive.  I love connecting with YOU.  I am wired to connect – wired for story – my neurons are all about YOU!  Writing releases cortisol and oxytocin in my brain – it’ s in my DNA. It’s my elixir.
4. Creativity embeds knowledge – my head, heart and hands are collaborating in this journey.  They are integrated and working in concert to help me recover – change how I’m living. Writing about my journey is HELPING my healing. Knowledge is only a rumor until it lives in the muscle.
5. This story is intertwined with my home AND work struggle – I cannot segregate my journey.  Resentment, grief and forgiveness transcend all aspects of my life.  My pain does not live in a sterile, contained environment.  I cannot avoid my emotions.  They are ME. I recognize the central role my emotions play in my being.  I AM CURIOUS about how my emotions impact my journey…  AND, I am dedicated to leaning into discomfort and vulnerability.
6. I am worthy – I am enough… I will stop second guessing myself.  Fear and scarcity trigger comparison – which is unhealthy.  Empathy and compassion are essential in this process.  YES, there is always someone worse off.  But I can complain about my pain with perspective – I’m hurt.  I must honor my pain and honor others journeys with empathy and compassion.
7. There is no easy fix for this journey or pain.  There is no step by step guide to overcoming the pain from divorce and abandonment. I must accept me WHERE I AM…and not pressure myself to be or feel something I’m not or don’t feel. Effort and outcome are unpredictable.  I must feel my way through this….it’s not a qualitative journey.
8. Courage is contagious.  Do I inspire you?  Do others see me as a role model?  What is my ripple effect?  Does my experience effect the people around me?  What is my footprint?  I am about my life, my journey and my expression.
9. This is a spiritual practice.  Recognizing and celebrating we are all connected to one another.  That connection is grounded in love and belonging – it brings a sense of purpose and meaning to our lives.  Expressions of spirituality are diverse and can be private. It’s a unique journey. This journey is very spiritual for me. It connects me to my source, my true self, the divine and others.

So what’s next?  I meet with my lawyer this week.  

Look over the new dissolution agreement he just sent. Plan for mediation or trial.  Embrace the TRUTH the outcome may not be FAIR according to me.  Whatever happens, I’ll not just survive – but thrive.  I will RISE STRONG from these experiences – yes, I’m broken and bruised, but I’m courageous and wide-eyed.

I see.  

I accept.

I breathe.

I love.

I am – enough.

Namaste-

Kirby