Living The Lie – The Bill Is Due

How do I survive this financial devastation and overwhelming stress?

Family law is inadequate; if he gets what the law indicates, it will not be enough.  PERIOD. I’m not buried in debt, thank GOD, but do not earn enough to support my children, this house – OUR LIVES. He will live a great life – with little financial insecurity and responsiblity.  I will not and I am not.  I feel scared – actually terrified.  And, I feel like I have no right to complain. This is my fault.

I am not a fearful person – until now.

I made big money last year – and spent all of it; home remodeling, clothing, big vacations – STUPID STUFF. I never saved a dime.  I didn’t plan for this – I didn’t know I’d need the money.  I kept kicking the can down the road, denying the need to be financially fiscally responsible.

NOW I’M PAYING THE PRICE – literally.

He texted me, ‘I hope you find a rich man’.

How do I respond to that?

Spending made me feel better….it filled a hole.

I work for myself – so, no work, no pay.  Twice in the last four months, I DID NOT pay myself….the money wasn’t there. I’m surviving by a financial thread. My health insurance is through my (soon to be) ex-husband’s work and he’s about to cut me off.  My kids are teenagers are have basic needs and grew up in abundance. How do I draw the line?  Raising them is more than I can bear financially….I’m too proud to admit it.  I’ve never taught them how to really save, how to be thrifty – how to be financially responsible. I feel like I failed them….I did.

I’ve talked about it – but never demonstrated it. Now, I AM IN THE HOLE.

I was in the 1% of wage earners in this country – living the dream and LIVING THE LIE.

I’m on the brink of financial ruin. No one knows. It’s a charade. My net worth is laughable and not liquid. In the next year, I will I will need joint surgery and time to recover – but I can’t. I have no one to support me and cannot take the time off work and I cannot afford it. I am in a horrible position and I have one to blame but myself.

  • How do I afford health insurance?
  • How do I stay in my home, in my neighborhood – keep my kids lives stable?
  • How do I pay my bills?
  • How do I keep my head above water?
  • How do I stay in the game and not run and hide?

I’M A FRAUD….and the tab is due.

How do I fully address this lie – this charade – hold my head high and survive?

I want to run and hide….but I can’t. That’s not me.

Kirby

7 thoughts on “Living The Lie – The Bill Is Due

  1. I love your blog. I feel everything you say. I’m going through some crappy stuff myself too. It’s been over a year now since I filed for divorce. But he’s stalling and making my life miserable. I was strong then. But it’s getting the best of me now.
    My difference from you is, I’ve only been married 11 years. It was MY decision to leave this toxic relationship and we have two young children. But the feelings you’re going through and the despair is the same. I wish we can talk…

    Like

    1. My friends, meditation, books and prayer have helped me survive. I also permit myself to feel the pain…lean into it. My biggest challenge is not giving away my power/my feelings to him. I decide. That’s the tough part. Be a student of this process. Embrace it. I didn’t believe at the time, but I now know… It gets better. Live in the NOW sweet sister and take care of YOU.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. just remember for ever action – there’s an equal an opposite reaction. Conflict is like a game of tennis – the harder you hit the ball and the more pace you put on the ball – the opponent gets stronger and feeds it back to you.

    Change the dance – change the pace – change the game. CHOSE YOUR BATTLES! You don’t need to let HIM dictate your position, feelings or actions.

    Like

Leave a Reply to Kirby Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s