I got exactly what I asked for – but not more than I needed.
I just wanted to be held, feel desirable – cherished. My insides were raging, I had an emotional rash that needed attention – every part of me was hyper-ichy – I needed to be scratched…like that spot on you back you can’t reach – times a thousand. I needed a long, intentional, intense scratching. Every cell craved it.
I was reading the new 50-Shades version of GREY…and it was torturous. My mind was running wild – my body was close behind!
For weeks I walked around in a perpetual state of arousal – stunned my libido was so PRESENT – SO ON-EDGE. I was wearing it all over me….my NEED. What was happening!? It as almost sickening and saddening. Why was I so hypersensitive to every thought and stimulation? WHY WAS I AROUSED? Why NOW? What switch, FLIPPED? My mind and my body were in a ruthless conspiracy – my desire raged and there was no outlet, no remedy, no ONE in sight. Alone again – with this unreachable, raging itch, pulsing all over and inside of me.
It’s ironic; I existed in most of my marriage cold, dry and uninterested. Sex and intimacy were incredible (or so I thought), once I ‘got started’. Mostly, for me, sleeping was a better option. I didn’t NEED or CRAVE sex with my husband. I felt more obligated than inspired or desired. It was always intense and satisfying but I didn’t crave it or him….I was ambivalent.
And then I met Ken…
As soon as I saw him I felt a connection – even though he wasn’t ‘my type’. All my ex-lovers were the GQ-cover, star athlete and frat-boy types. Tall, dark, uber-fit, shiny white smiles, and smooth talking, silver tongues. Ken didn’t match this description.
In high school, he was likely more nerdy than athletic. Smart, attentive, curious, kind and working to find his social (dating) comfort zone. He wasn’t a smooth talker…even maybe a little awkward and quirky. Sweet talking wasn’t his forte…he wasn’t a ‘player’. Why did I always seek ‘players’? He was different. He had kind, vulnerable, piercing blue eyes that spoke to me…reached me.
I was intrigued to learn what was behind those curious, pleading, hurt but hopeful blue eyes…
but busy with life – I let him pursue me. And if he didn’t, no harm no foul. Yet, I knew he would. I knew I was on his mind…I knew I, unwittingly, reached into some untapped part of him. I just didn’t know how deeply I reached…or vice versa.
After a few weeks of text exchanges things grew more intense – more comfortable. My heart was softening and opening…I let him in. I wanted more. Awkward or not…
I was HOT for him.
Our next date was at his house. He was officially an empty nester – we had the place to ourselves. I knew some part of my itch would be scratched; I just had no idea how much. I wanted to be touched, feel desired, feel beautiful…I wanted him to embrace me, smell me, taste me…I wanted to share my passion and desire with him. I wanted to lose myself and my pain in intimate moments with this stranger…this awkward, quirky man with the intense blue eyes. I didn’t know if he’d be awkward and quirky when kissing me, touching me. I didn’t know if he had all the moves or, if after 30 years of marriage was stuck in a sexual rut and lacked creativity and comfort with his sexuality. I only knew we would be ‘together’.
I would have skipped dinner…playing hard to get was, well, hard. In fact, I failed miserably! I wanted to jump his bones the moment I arrived. He kissed me first and I melted. My heart raced. OMG – a kiss, from another man! After 20 years of fidelity – I wanted another man FOR THE FIRST TIME – and I was getting it. I was cowering and erupting inside. I felt shy and bold at the same time. I wanted to dive into him and lose myself – every bit of me was his for the taking.
And he did….slowly, carefully, tenderly, lovingly and beautifully. He selflessly cherished every pore on my body – every cell in my being. His gentle touch and piercing blue eyes worshiped every part me. He was in awe of me. His groans and his breathing punctuated his gratitude and love for each moment, each touch, each kiss. His intensity was palatable. He took nothing for granted. He didn’t rush, he wasn’t hasty or needy or selfish or demanding. He was intoxicating….every second was intoxicating. And, I was getting intensely inebriated with every kiss.
We made love for hours.
I let him touch me without hesitation or fear. My body was his ‘playground’, his ‘wonderland’. The John Mayer song played in my head. Later, I learned – he was thinking about this song too.
I felt safe and cherished. I was literally and figuratively, completely naked. He was solely focused on me – my needs. He consumed every part of my body with his eyes his mouth and his touch. I was completely comfortable – my body was his. I didn’t try to flex muscles, suck in or hide flabby body parts – I was fully honest with every aspect of my physique and sexuality – and so was he; no bravado, no posing – no judgement.
I received his gifts of intimacy with the purest joy imaginable.
After 20 years of marriage, I felt NEW. I felt alive, I felt TRULY BEAUTIFUL, I felt desirable in a fuller more meaningful way that ever before. I felt like my skin was turned inside out and my itches were getting the attention they craved. I felt like a goddess. I soared….he gingerly piloted my ecstasy with such deep compassion and care. He had such a generous and gracious spirit and soul.
After a warm, wonderful shower with him…I reluctantly left with two roses from a larger bouquet in his home. A fragrant reminder of our night of intense passion and connection.
OH What a Night…and it Didn’t Stop There!
He got a hotel room near my home for the next two nights…more ecstasy, more connection, more cherishing was in my future! I just had NO IDEA how much more….
His sexual dexterity continued to surprise me. No longer awkward or nerdy…just comfortable and so deeply sweet. He was adventurous and open, communicative and kind, complimentary and grateful. He was fully focused on cherishing me, taking me to new sexual heights, patiently and creatively teasing my body to feel new things. His moans at the sight of me were surprising – he looked at me as though I was a gift bestowed upon him…it was an honor to be with me. He accepted that honor so thoughtfully – with love and tenderness. Every touch, every kiss, every climax was breath-taking. Every cell of my being was glowing and re-born.
I was on fire…alive!
I don’t expect to see him again, we agreed, the timing is not right. I don’t NEED and am not ready for an intense relationship. And that’s okay. We’re not ready for this…we both have deep wounds that need serious attention and healing. I could easily lose myself in this man…but it wouldn’t be best for my long-term emotional health. I’m not ready, yet.
I released him and he let me go.
I do know the universe answered my need – to “scratch my itches” in a most tender, safe and meaningful way. Ken accepted and affirmed me as I am, where I am. He is a gift from my universe, and answer to my needs. I see myself more clearly now thanks to him; I am beautiful, sexy and desirable. I am also compassionate and caring and DESERVING.
I am lovable.
I am enough. In fact, I’m more than enough.
PS – I sent Ken this post as a love letter and expression of my appreciation. He responded, sweetly and tenderly – because that’s the kind of man he is: