Is It Ok To HATE????

It’s been 10 weeks since he left…walked out and rejected me. Rejected our 20 year life – our marriage, our future.

Every emotion available has surged and burned through my arteries.

Now – I’m in HATE.

I hate him for doing this; I hate him for rejecting me – our life – our future. I hate him for his cowardice – for not doing everything possible to fix our marriage. I hate him for his high and unfulfilled expectations – I always fell short in his book (never good enough). I hate him for the LAME divorce decree he sent to me; inadequate, thoughtless and incomplete. I hate him for suggesting I should sign it and we would be officially divorced by September 2!  SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I hate him for not considering OUR children.  I hate him for not working harder to reach out and be relevant in their lives. I hate him for betraying me – for CHEATING ON ME! I was completely faithful for 20 years! I hate him for all of our money issues – I hate him for blaming me FOR EVERYTHING.

I hate him for not missing me.

I JUST HATE HIM.Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.20.44 PM

And I hate myself for feeling HATE in my heart.

My head says, I should know better….

I just finished the Oprah/Deepak’s 21 Day Mediation Challenge all about GRACE & GRATITUDE. I’ve immersed myself in meditations like this:

Day 5 – Gratitude Awakens the True Self

“The road to happiness starts with a deep breath and an awareness of the many blessings tied to that single breath.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

We might think that to live in grace requires us to pursue a devout lifestyle and retreat from the world. However, we have learned that grace abides in all things, all places, and all times. If we go beyond our changing personalities to connect with our essential self, we contact this ever-present grace and can live this state of grace even in the everyday world.

Our true self is peaceful, but not inert. It is intelligent, powerful, and intimately involved in our every wish and dream. The true self has the creative power and intelligence to direct and manifest your life’s journey. When you step into and participate with life from this level, you are always grateful and find grace everywhere.

My notes from this Day 5 mediation were so uplifting – so POSITIVE:

  • Gratitude guides me to acceptance
  • Go deep to truth and tranquility
  • My true self knows the answers
  • It’s truthful
  • It’s authentic
  • My creative force
  • My true self awakens the universe as I dance freely
  • My true self is always grateful
  • It’s intense and real
  • I see grace abounding
  • The dancer brings new life
  • She’s silently aware
  • She’s constant
  • My true self is the source of grace
  • My true self is a goddess
  • My true self loves me
  • My true self is always grateful
  • My true self loves me

I’m reading Louise Hay and working to positively AFFIRM myself and my universe.

Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.33.14 PMScreen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.34.17 PM

My friend Leslie Green’s Love Trust & Pixie Dust posts inspire me:

Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 6.17.08 PM

I’m working every day to look at the POSITIVES and learnings in every experience –

BUT I HATE.

Of course I went to the internet to help….IT IS OKAY TO HATE? Am I just impatient with my journey?

According to Psychology Today – hate is normal:

The angry people are those people who are most afraid.   ~ Dr. Robert Anthony

When any relationship ends, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to feel intense hatred for the other at some point. Some people feel intense dislike for their spouse even before their marriage ends. There are several reasons this can occur. They may feel this when they believe their trust has been betrayed. Or they may feel it as a response to a great deal of mental or emotional damage experienced during their marital relationship, which may continue happening until they decide to divorce. Some people need to feel this hatred in order to justify leaving the relationship. Their intense anger is used to separate (or even repel) them from their spouse.

Well that answers it – I was betrayed, emotionally damaged and constantly hurt during my marriage by my life partner – ‘the man of my dreams’.

I NEED TO HATE HIM TO GET OVER HIM. 

Maybe I am afraid of life without him. Can I do this alone? Is hate really just FEAR is disguise? Am I as capable and strong as everyone thinks I am?  Or, am I a big fraud and this life experience will surely reveal my hidden TRUE self?

Can I hate him as much as I love him? How could I hate somebody do deeply if I didn’t care so much? It’s an emotional riddle. A conundrum. My prayer – is apathy.  When I’m apathetic, I’m healed, right?

How can I give myself permission to feel something that, in my head, is so negative – so counterproductive to healing and self-actualization?

Doesn’t my HATE really hurt me more than it hurts him? How can I drain myself of this poison? Am I asking too much of myself?

What exactly is self-actualization? Is it real? According to the ever-reliable internet search, it’s located at the peak of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy, he described this high-level need in the following way:

“What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization…It refers to the desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming.”

How can all of my breathing, meditating, writing and praying result in this…hatred? I want him to HURT so badly – I want the worse possible things for him.  I want him to grieve, to grovel – to suffer. I want him to be ALONE.

Ten weeks ago – he left me.

Nine weeks ago, I couldn’t breathe.

Eight weeks ago I couldn’t stop crying.

Seven weeks ago I couldn’t get out of bed.

Last month – I suffered deep agony, every day.

And now, I’m standing.  I’m breathing.  I’m creating. I’m open.

Can I be open and accepting ALL OF MY EMOTIONS? Can I believe there no right or wrong?  It just IS.  I can’t deny it.  I can’t push it away or stuff it down.  It’s part of my process – my journey. It’s part of my experience and I must accept it with gratitude and grace.  To deny my hatred would be to deny my true self – damaged, fearful, hurting and grieving.

It’s part of the process.  I will accept it.  Observe it.  Feel it, experience it – even honor it…and let it go. The bottom line – I will not live it in as so many people do after divorce.  I WILL NOT STAY HERE.

Someday, soon, I pray – I will be ambivalent but right now, I’m grieving.Screen Shot 2015-08-01 at 10.18.44 PM

On a final note – it is a miracle – or divine that I just completed the 21-day mediation challenge.  It focused on GRACE & GRATITUDE. This was Oprah and Deepak’s 8th challenge series.  I’m sure the others would be relevant to this journey I’m facing – but the themes 0f GRACE & GRATITUDE are overwhelmingly significant.

MORE DIVINE INTERVENTION.

Namaste.

Kirby

2 thoughts on “Is It Ok To HATE????

  1. Kirby, it’s a roller coaster ride of epic proportions. Sometimes I feel like I’m crawling over broken glass and sometimes I feel like I’m wading through mud. But there are times where I feel like this is a gift (and I never thought that!) but I’m beginning to see the light of independence and of finding myself ‘good enough’ without him and ‘better off’ without him. I was just married 20 years ago yesterday ~ still haven’t filed for divorce ~ been separated for almost a year now. It takes time.

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    1. Thank you for your post….I know it takes time…and the mud is more like quicksand! I’m looking for the light. I know it’s there – and in me. Trying to live in that space and take my time. Patience Kirby, Patience. Right? Be well. Hugs K

      Like

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