The day after he texted ‘I want a separation’ I sat in a fast food restaurant parking lot sobbing. My kids were inside eating – I was outside in sitting my car crying and dying.
My life blew up –
everything I knew to be true was false; up was down, safe was threatened, love was hate and betrayal, coupled was abandoned and alone. I needed help. I needed someone, someone to show me that I mattered. I didn’t feel it, I didn’t believe it – I was no one. I didn’t matter – I was trash. I screamed to God for help just to get through another breathe.
Then my cell rang….my sister answered my prayer in my darkest hour.
Truly a divine moment. It was the first of many more to come.
A few weeks later, my son and I (my daughter was at camp for the month) went up north to see my sister and family – really to get away from the bed I shared with my husband of 20 years. Waking up alone was agonizing. Going to sleep without him by my side was heart wrenching. I needed a break. I needed to feel loved. I needed to get away from what I thought was the safety of my HOME.
I was worried about the trip but knew I needed a break…she reassured me:
During my retreat from my now un-safe place called ‘home’, I focused on journaling, praying, reading and sleeping. In between all of that I’d well up with tears or sob at any given moment. I was so unsteady, so frail and so broken. And – I was open to all and any message around me. My soul was begging for signs and symbols of reassurance…a life line…a thread. I needed something to hold on to because I was an emotional blob of gunk.
When I arrived, my sister immediately enveloped me with love. She demonstrated, in every possible way, her care, commitment and concern for me. She was like a oversized feather pillow of emotional softness and warmth – 100x bigger than anything I could imagine. She comforted me like only a sister can do. She mixed essential more oils for me (I received an essential oil care package weeks prior). She cried with me…she felt my crushing pain.
Her divorce was hateful, lengthy and also agonizing (in different ways). Out of necessity, years later, she embarked on a spiritual journey and therapy that took more years of traversing through wounds and fears that seemed insurmountable and non-negociable. She was prone to anxiety attacks and bone crushing migraines. She was not strong like me…not as fearless…she hid from her truth more readily, more easily.
For her to openly accept the need for drastic change in her life, and embrace the hard work involved to make the changes, she had to be her own hero and manifest a miracle. When it came to her emotions and needs, she lived her life with steely blinders – carefully put in place to shut out the pains and circumstances around her and behind her. She was in a trance – guarded, defensive and incapable. She grew up that way. She had to do this to survive her life, her story, her trauma.
Some people are fighters – some people accept challenges with shoulders back and chin up…not her. Some people look fear in the face and say, ‘bring it on!’. Not my sister. She had to muster strength and fortitude from parts other than her DNA for most of her life just to survive. But after her divorce, and in an effort to save her own life, she had to walk into the lions den; naked, cold, alone, famished and blind.
Her ‘life coach’, named Janis, put her to work in a big way. She even threatened to fire my sister – told her not to return if she wasn’t willing to do the work…the hard work that required inner strength she didn’t have innately. She gave my sister assignments, affirmations and readings to complete for every appointment. My sister is a great student and she took the challenges on….she faced them with one part fear, one part necessity, two parts obligation to herself and her children.
I know it was an emotional roller coaster for her – and I know she did it alone. She never reached out to me for support or love…we weren’t in that space as sisters. She sheltered herself in times of pain…she hid. She journeyed alone – the most frightening way to do it. And she survived…and with Janis’ help, actually thrived.
She did the opposite for me…
On my trip to her home, she shared her notes, assignments, letters and affirmations with me. She spoke of Janis as a spirit guide and beacon of light – someone who really did save her life on so many levels. They had an agenda, they had a timeline and they had goals to fulfill. The pain and disfunction persisted for too long. My sister had a life to live and it was TIME TO DO IT. Thank GOD for people like Janis.
And thank God for people like my sister!
If everything happens for a reason, I thank the Universe for this experience – my husband’s departure. As a result, I found new love, new light and deeper connection with my sister – we never had it before, we do now. We are fully tethered – soul to soul. She continues to call at the exact moment I spiritually summon her.
She’s on spiritual speed dial!
I have all her notes from Janis now…she paid it forward and gifted them to me. her precious notes that chronicled her tumultuous journey. I read the affirmations daily. I am believing them more each day…each week…with each breath. I’ve never met Janis, but she has a special place in my heart. Thank you Janis for the ripple effect you created with my sister (and other clients I assume). Your wisdom is nurturing my unquenchable thirst for healing and light.
And for my sister…she is an amazing gift from heaven above.
I am a lucky woman.
A final thought to my readers…be aware of the untapped love in your life. OPEN UP. LET IT IN. It’s there, waiting eagerly for you to drink from it’s bounty. Lay down your guard, set your ego aside, in fact, let EGO retire for good. Love is there. Love is HERE. Love is waiting in many forms – a phone call, a text, a gift…an answered prayer and renewed relationship.
To the shining light in me and in you…NAMASTE.