Rejection, STD’s and Emotional Rape

July 7, 2015,

Did my cheating husband give me STD’s?  I had to find out – but didn’t know the process would be akin to emotional rape.  My story – graphic, painful and unfortunately, TRUE.

Please be warned – this is a hard story to share – and to read.

I waited several weeks to post this story due to it’s graphic nature. However, it’s a story that must be shared…the ultimate expression of my vulnerability.

Dear Husband…Let me tell you a bedtime story…..and I’ll write in 3rd person as it’s too painful to think THIS HAPPENED TO ME.

There was a woman named Kirby who was betrayed in the most intimate way… By day, her seemingly devoted husband made her meals, bought her jewelry… And by night he fucked around.

By day he’d send loving texts saying I want to cuddle with you…and by night he’d get so drunk, he’d lose track of time and stumble in at sunrise after ‘they were just distractions’ sex with random women.

Ernest Hemmingway…hemmingway cheating quote

Kirby didn’t suspect- she was facing her mistrust and working to let go of past marital violations… The wounds were still there… And triggered by his time lapse nights out.

Deep down she was depressed.  She knew something was wrong. Her emotions exhausted her… The distrust drained her.  The pressure to accept his behavior left her feeling powerless.

All she wanted to go to as sleep.  Sleep helped her escape.

Fast forward to last Thursday…July 1, 2015

Kirby goes to the OBGYN for a “well woman” check up…. But all is far from well.

Two days earlier she filed for divorce.

One week earlier she made passionate love to her husband- wanting desperately to show him how deeply she was devoted to him…wanting to share and connect in the deepest, most selfless way. The fire between them felt unreal, special, pure.  But he couldn’t finish…. Guilt and erections don’t mix.

10 days earlier her husband confessed he’d made a mistake about leaving and was sorry. It was a mid-life crisis.  He still loved her.

Her heart was hopeful and fearful.

One month earlier he texted his plans to separate from 30k high somewhere over the Atlantic. Her heart was shattered and her guts ripped from her body.  Agonizing, de-boweling pain she never experienced enveloped her fully.  She was engulfed, surrounded by incomprehensible grief.

Kirby was on an emotional roller coaster to hell.

As she entered the doctors office she saw all the pregnant women and doting husbands in the waiting room.

She remembed how amazing her husband was when her babies were born- so present, so available, so adoring, so honest.

But that was so long ago.

As she looked around the room she wanted to scream- STOP, RUN!!! He’ll break your heart!

But all she could do was breathe deeply and wait for her name to be called.

As she was escorted back to the exam room she contemplated- how do I ask to be tested for STDs? Is this normal? What will they think of me.  I’m ashamed. Embarrassed. Violated.

But the violation were about to begin.

As intermittent crocodile tears streamed down Kirby’s face. The RN didn’t blink an eye when Kirby quietly admitted her husbands infidelity…and asked for all the necessary tests to clear her health.  To the RN, it was business as usual.

Her weeping intensified. The RN ignored. Offered no warmth.

She was all alone in the most naked way imaginable.

When the OB walked in, he knew what he had to do.  The RN filled him in. He tried to be tender and patient… But the clock was ticking and he had patients to see.

Kirby laid back as directed, scooted down, put her feet in the stirrups and held her breath.

He put the cold speculum inside of her vagina- deep enough to get an adequate sample…. Deep enough to hurt.

He touched parts only her husband knew…parts he could masterfully orchestrate and make her feel so safe, so loved, so treasured, so free. Every part of her insides were now being scraped to test for disease and infection. Places only her husband knew- could reach- and could caress.  Places of the most intimate discoveries only shared with him.

Now violated.  Now spoiled. Now unloved.

Kirby folder her arms over her face and wept silently…trying not to scream THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!! PLEASE STOP!!! This is all a mistake- a bad dream!  A NIGHTMARE.

And the nightmare continued…

Then he slipped his fingers inside of her anus to get tissue samples.  She winced, she wept and eventually sobbed. No man had ever done that…except her husband.  A place of pleasure and TRUST now represented dirtiness and MORE violation…. And sickening discomfort.

The doctor finished, apologized and pushed his rolling exam stool back from the table.  He sat up.  So did Kirby…wrapping the sheets around her as to insulate herself from what just happened.

He waited to answer questions she couldn’t articulate….and quietly left…wishing her well.

When the door closed…. Kirby hunched down and cried. She felt EMOTIONALLY RAPED. Not by the doctor.  But the man she trusted, loved and was faithful to for 20 years.

Kirby was violated in THE MOST MEANINGFUL WAY.

She was so cold and so absolutely alone. No one would share her pain. No one could soothe her.  No one could ever tell her- it’s going to be all right. Nothing could be said or done to make her feel better.

She got dressed, put on her sunglasses, let her hair fall in her face to hide her tears and walked to the lab to give a blood sample. More STD tests.

More violation.

The lab tech joked in a Texas drawl… “I just need a gallon a blood- this won’t hurt more than havin’ babies”….and then saw Kirby’s eyes. She looked away.

The tech’s name was Elizabeth.

She said nothing.

She did nothing.

She went about her work quietly and handed Kirby a card to evaluate her services as she left.  On her way out, Kirby crumbled it up and tossed it in the trash. She felt like trash…tossed away.

Later that day, Kirby’s husband texted her…his labs were normal from his doctor.

A steely, cold knife plunged into her gut as she read his ‘good news’. No relief was felt.  No comfort. She didn’t feel normal…

She didn’t feel like a well woman….

Everything was not right.

Good night…

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