July 31, 2015
It’s been two months since he left me. Twenty of years of marriage and no real warning. I was completely ALONE and left to drown in a sea of agony and confusion. My face was swollen from continual sobbing. I didn’t recognize myself. My body ached as though I had the flu. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t swallow. I didn’t want to move. Even my hair hurt. I felt like I was dying…a part of me was dying.
The pain persists but I’m crying less and coping better. My moments are more sporadic versus choking and constant. But I still hurt and these two months felt like an eternity. During this time…and for many years prior, my TRUE Self (the home of true love, truth and intention) patiently waited for me – grieved FOR ME.
My hurt is shifting – At first, I blamed myself…
I replayed every situation and decision that he said, drove him away. I questioned and berated myself:
- I should have been a more attentive wife…
- I should have made more meals….
- I should have focused more on him versus my career…
- I should have spent less money…
- I should have taken better care of his needs – he was articulate. He asked me to go out of Friday nights..
- I should have had more sex… he said he wanted me…
- I should have done something about my libido – he asked me to take testosterone…
- I should have worked out with him – he begged me to go to the gym with him…I had no energy…
- I should have gotten out of bed! I napped through so many opportunities to connect with my husband. But Why?
It seems, he can explicitly point to specific situations when I rejected him. For me – it’s more illusive, more implicit.
My disengagement happened over time….no specific THING turned me away or turned me off. It was a current – and undertow – not visible from the surface and dangerous to explore in depth. My love eroded gradually, like rocks on a hillside – slammed with salty water and waves of abuse day after day…year after year, I withdrew.
I was driven away emotionally. I was violated.
My core values were compromised and dishonored. I was devalued. I was berated, I was not safe, I was un-cherished. This happened so often and so gradually and so early in our marriage, the wounds never healed. The scabs ripped off over and over again…and I didn’t even recognize what was happening; like you don’t realize hair growth or weight gain. It was a slow growing cancer. Looking back, I’m not sure I could have known or accepted the reality – I was divorcing emotionally from my marriage at the same time trying so hard to hold on. I was a shining example of DIS-EASE and fighting an epic, internal emotional battle with myself.
I had a dream to live – to fulfill.
The dream of stability for myself and my kids. The dream of a great home, career, vacations; creating great moments and memories, the dream of providing my children the life I didn’t have as a child – so they could fulfill their dreams and grow without conflict and insecurity. I wanted them to feel SAFE.
I wanted to feel safe.
Yet, almost everything about my relationship repelled me and pushed me further and further away. I was physically present and emotionally in critical condition. And I put up with it. Sometimes I fought about it, sometimes I withdrew and went to sleep. Most of the time, I ignored ‘it’ and kept going – marking time. Denial, perhaps. My life was on a treadmill.
I did not TRUST and honor or love myself passionately.
I realized that my core values (my moral compass) and my TRUE SELF were cowering in the shadows of my being. While my TRUE SELF patiently waited in the darkness of my existence, starving for attention and nourishment. My inner light was dimmed and barely flickering. My core values were like a voodoo doll – every violation was another prink or pin in a vital organ and body part. Pain welled up in my head, stuck my neck, throbbed my back, seared my feet, clenched in my jaw – the excruciating pain of dishonoring myself. All self-inflicted and all unconscious. Violating these values was unacceptable. I allowed the dismissal of my inner LIGHT – and the shunning of my TRUE SELF.
I cannot change the past and the violations that happened with my permission – my submission. But, now I know. I am awake.
I am reacquainted with me. My affirmations continue.
I am reconnected to my source. I accept myself and honor my TRUE SELF…the light, the love and the beauty of who I really am. I am infinitely capable. I am wise and vulnerable. I am real and I am whole. I am enough. The UNIVERSE is here for me. I am loved. I am RE BORN. I will live in this MOMENT and every day is new.
I vow to always TRUST myself with these truths…never to yield to another’s opinion again. I will regard them as a fly, buzzing by my head; I will observe their persistence, perhaps shoo them away and let them pass, knowing they have a short, frantic life. My authentic self knows better and I deserve better. Now, my LIGHT shines brighter – almost blinding – but I can see! And I am warmed in it and by it. And so are others.
Amen, Shalom and Namaste –
P.S. As I am discovering these truths and turning the dimmer switch of my LIGHT up again….a dear friend gave me this wall art – there are no coincidences!
Thank you UNIVERSE for providing what I needed in that moment…
I am grateful.