And so the journey begins…
I was bare naked, walking on a tight rope made of sharp glass, whipped and beaten by gale force arctic winds, completely exposed and struggling to breathe from the rope around my neck and the end nowhere in sight.
That was my daily visualization.
That’s what it felt like when my husband left me.
Raw. Alone. Afraid. Vulnerable. Panicked. Dumbfounded. De-bowled.
My guts were ripped from my insides, my heart literally prickled in my chest as it dismantled with every beat. My throat was dry and oxygen scarce. All of my vital organs were in shock. Cortisol raced through my bloodstream, my heart pulsed in my neck and temples, my eyes swelled from the steady flow of tears – I looked like a different, older, beaten version of me. My voice was mute – there were no words. I screamed and cried but no one heard. I was completely alone. I raged to the four walls of my 1/2 empty closet.
The tectonic plates on which I built my secure life collided and buckled – I was in an emotional earthquake surrounded by instability and chaos. Safety, trust and truth were nowhere to be found. Everything was jagged, cold, dark and cutting.
I was rejected, unloved, discarded and my husband whom I called ‘the man of my dreams’ moved on. JUST LIKE THAT.
Or was it?
He left when our kids were on a church mission trip. He told me via text message while flying out-of-town on business. I was home alone. It was the worst week of my life.He was hasty, selfish and unfair to me and our two children – and the 20 year life we built together.
June 5, 2015. Heartbreak.
During the course of that month I endured the emotional rollercoaster ride from hell as my husband vacillated between;
“Let’s just separate, I need breathing space for a little while.”
“I’m not cheating on you or leaving for someone else – I’m running from YOU.”
“I have slept with three other women in recent months.”
Several sessions of passionate kissing and groping – not wanting to let go
“I made a mistake, am having a mid-life crisis.”
“I love you.”
“I want a divorce.”
“I hired an attorney
“Let’s work this out”
“I’m dating someone, her name is Michelle”
I want a divorce
“Let’s use the same attorney to save money”
I haven’t been happy in 10 years
“None of my friends like you”
“I’ll always love you”
FOUR FREAKING WEEKS! My life was ripped away from me without my consent – OUR LIVES SHATTERED. My kids dumbfounded and feeling abandoned. They feel like their dad is dead. How did I not see this coming?
Or did I?
The signs were there. I choose to ignore them because it was easier. Our lives were busy. We had a strong family; we enjoyed each other. We took great vacations – seemed to have fun. Twenty years meant something, or so I thought. He promised he’s never leave me – we’d grow old together. Why did he lie?
So the journey begins. The TRUTH, TRUST and AUTHENTICITY journey. Those aren’t just words. They live in me and each of us at the cellular level. They exist beyond our domestication – our opinions – even beyond what we perceive is the truth.
As don Miguel Ruiz writes in The Four Agreements
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
I did none of the above.
My true self is waiting for me – patiently to show up and connect. I have what I need; the wisdom, the strength, the will and the support of amazing friends, faith and family. It’s up to me to take the first, scary, agonizing steps into very new territory. Virgin territory.
I am alone…even with God, my friends, my family who give me strength and guidance – it’s up to me to get out of bed everyday and do the hard work. FEEL THIS PAIN. LIVE THE PAIN. UNDERSTAND AND EMBRACE THE PAIN. LEARN FROM THE PAIN. ACCEPT THE LESSONS OF THE PAIN. My pain is not an obstacle. My pain is an opportunity.
Only then, will I move through the pain and emerge a new ENLIGHTENED, more GRATEFUL and HEALTHIER me.
And so it begins…please join my journey and share yours with me. If it takes a village to raise a child….it take a great group of friend to get through the agony of divorce and soulful transformation.
All my love and great Karma-